I've had so many thoughts over the past few weeks but without blogging in my blood I never took the time to flesh it all out. Right now there's something more pressing in mind, though.

Why is it that relationships and what defines a good partner is so easy to describe to someone else, so easy to see as being possible and obtainable and embodying, but then in practice you question your own adherence to those same values? Who am I? Please, bear with me, oh blog of mine, as I wonder aloud about myself...

I really like being with me, in my mind. I entertain myself very easily -- I make myself laugh at things I would never let beyond the folicles sprouting from my head -- and I'm very comfortable being left alone for long periods of time to do as I please. I have great conversations with myself walking around campus. I like making lists in my mind and mentally checking tasks off. And I convince myself of great things. Like what I believe in, who I believe in, and what I want to put my efforts in life towards. Love? Friendship? School? Right. So I've got a mental plan, filing cabinet, and window.

But then the world introduces all these other "people" into my life that throw off the balance in my plan. They enter my heart and make me "feel" "emotions"...confusing, horrible things. Especially when they make me question the validity of who I am and what that mind has been convincing me of. But it's a good thing, I know, to question the perception and effect of your actions on other people. But then who's the arbitrary judge at the end of the day to say whether I'm really just a bad, impatient person (what the boy says) or if I'm just a typical girl (what my mind rationalizes)? I don't know. And I'm starting to feel like I don't really care, but I know that I'm just saying that because right now I'm tired and the world seems really big. I know that the pendulum of my emotions is sure to swing again, as it always does. Does it ever stop creating this sinusoidal pattern of pathos? I want steady state!! (sorry, blog, I dorked out for a minute there. and I don't really mean that steady state stuff - I really do value the progress of life)

So, Self, where are you going? What do you want me to do with you? I'm sorry I don't ever give you enough time to think about feelings and emotions -- you know I'm just trying to protect you, right?

"Waiting for someday. Believing in someday. Praying for someday. I'll be longing for someday, living for someday." --Blessed Union of Souls

Yea, there's more to be said, bloggy, but I'm about to fall over from exhaustion and I still have to climb into bed. I know that tugging at my heart to fulfill my urges to calm my racing thoughts by writing here will pull again when I wake up and maybe *hopefully* I'll succumb.

Until then, goodnight world. Tonight's wish is a common one, for peace and understanding of the bigger idea I'm questioning.

Sometimes a girl just needs to cry, you know?
Sometimes I think I have post-missing syndrome - it takes me long time to realize how deeply I miss something/one, like my dead dog and grandparents, and missing my dad. And then it just hits me. That's all.