When I'm lucky, these moments are followed more closely by each other, these moments of simple clarity when my intentions are transparent, my ideas are clear, and my honest desires aren't shrouded by what my mind says should be. It's the path to get there that's not so obvious. But I enjoy this feeling of stress-free utter helplessness; I know what I want more than anything, I'm fully aware of what I'm willing to do to get it, and yet I can't move. I am stuck in time in location in situation even though my heart feels more confident than ever before that it knows - it knows! - what it needs to do.

It's pleasantly easy to feel this way, knowing I'm being completely honest with myself without rationalizing why I shouldn't worry about not being able to change things because, so my mind usually says, I don't really want them to change and this is fine for now, enjoy what you have and stop thinking about how to make the future happen right now. Because right now I know. I know that I am more happy than anything in the world when I'm traveling and seeing new places. I am more content being around people than being here alone in my house. As stupid as it is and as much as I disagree with myself for these emotions, I want to be in love again. I want to really care about someone. Being with my closest friends over the holidays, physically feeling present in every moment and as though every sense was heightened - I was LIVING - reminds me how little everything else matters and how tired I am of being selfish. For someone else to make you more happy than you'd ever know how to try by simply showing that they were thinking of you; to be visited again by the knowledge of what it feels like to put a smile on someone else's face.

And I know who, too. Well, kind of. And I'm tired of pretending, forcing uncomfortable emotions to scurry from my brain, that it'd be okay if my foregone conclusion that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life actually does come true. Because I'm not okay with the idea of being alone for the rest of my life. I've done the alone thing, proven I can make it. Myself has found me and we've gotten to know each other well enough that I think it's time to bring someone else into the relationship.

Paper and pen met many times in the past two weeks and it feels weird to try to recapture all of that here, as if it would steal some of the raw thought that lured the ink across the page. But I did have a wonderful time at home with family and D and H. My mom, uncle, and I discussed real things we hadn't ever even tried to broach before, things I had only ever talked about with Dr. S before - my dad, boys, relationships, my family's lack of emotional expression and its consequential suppression of my expression of emotions in life outside of the internet, etc. I felt more attached to my family, more impressed by them as people, individuals than I had in my previous 22 years.

I went to the beach, where I talked to my uncle for hours about Sudan and hope and why the little efforts we make in our lives to do some modicum of positive change for the "world" matter and religion and hope and pessimism and hope. I saw Pride and Prejudice and discussed with Danny why we set ourselves up for disappointment by seeking entertainment from these softened, idealistic visions of a reality that doesn't and won't ever exist? Is that what love is supposed to make the world look like, the hills that green and the individual blades of grass that differentiated from every other blade, highlighting our own unique but lovable quirks? Wondering how you can make a list to give to someone and ask them to think about you all the things listed in these song lyrics, to allow me to make you feel about me what those lyrics say. Tell me that,

"I can't bear these nights of thoughts
of going on without you
this mood of yours is temporary
it seems worth the wait
to see your smile again"

or

"There is no need to test my heart,
with useless space.
These roads go on forever,
there will always be a place, for you.. in my heart"

My parents have redecorated my room in the past 2 months, so that you'd never even know I had ever lived in the room. I told my mom I didn't like it. (What was I supposed to say, thanks for erasing me?)

I don't want my wall to build back up, post-being in the comfort of friends and home and reality, I don't want to be protected. Ilikefeelingvulnerablerigtnowitsmorerealthisway.

Tonight, this was true as my wails of "melody" wafted from my gaping mouth to escape into a dead surroundings:

"On the way home
this car hears my confessions.
I think tonight I'll take the long way."

Oh, and my insurance adjustor is coming Friday morning to tell me if my walls have to be torn down because of residual water damage. ah, the reality of walls of a different sort.