I sit here with my mind swirling, reeling. The past two days of my simple little Jen-life have been filled with nothing but nonstop internal examination, thought, and currently unanswerable questions. Have I mentioned that I'm only two decades old?

I need a song lyric right now. Wednesday I made two major decisions, one of which I'm confident in, though slightly saddened by (my sanity will thank me later), and the other I question every day when I look around me. Sure I like my solitude, but sometimes I think this is a little extreme. I really only sleep here, do my homework here. It's like a library with a semi-private bathroom and fold-out (albeit comfortable) cot. I feel as though I've become disconnected and cut off, not allowed to be part of the cool kid's club anymore, and I want to go to a place where there's always someone to talk to. I wish I was in Hallandale right this instant, with my lavendar carpet and tail-wagging, yellow, furry doggy. Instead, I'm holed up in a 8' x 6' rectangle of plastered and painted concrete wishing for. Yeah.

Thursday brought really good news: after seeing my fluids professor, looking over my final, and finding some things that were actually correct and marked wrong, it turns out that I actually earned an A in the class; he's submitting a grade change and my GPA's going up a little more. That felt really good.

Friday was...well, it was definitely Friday. Went to dinner (at Roasters, the home of the amazing basket of bread) with roommates and boys from upstairs. (All I want him to do is call) It was fine, and when we got back, K and I left for Carroltown (sp?), which is about 40 minutes southwest of here, for a CCF retreat. Great conversation throughout the ride (have I mentioned how happy I am that she's back? Because it's like part of me is here again). The theme of the retreat was weddings/sex/love (but mostly just marriage) -- while it may seem a little early to be talking about stuff like that in campus ministry, it's really not when you look around and think of all the people who seem to not be able to get a diploma without a rock (and I'm not just talking about girls here). I'm very, very glad I went since it challenged me to think about things that I have been questioning, wondering, worrying ... things like where I want to be in ten years. In trying to draw a picture of where I want to be a decade from now, I was stuck on one year from now, what I feel like I need to do to be a happy person for the next twelve months, let alone the next 50 months.

I am my own person, right? So why do I need to be so concerned about someone else's life just because we're "dating"? That's society, social morrays, convention. No, it's emotion. No, it's courtesy. No. So what is it? Why do I wobble between wanting to put one other's needs in front of my own (thereby making me content), and wanting to completely ignore one person in order to so completely define myself as my own being. Why am I so easily distracted by conversation? I crave conversation about the metaphysical, the nonsensical, the unanswerable, the intriguing, about God. (yet I'm solitary for most of my days and weeks...?) I need to be challenged. I need my thoughts to be put to the test, to clash with someone else's, to find a way to defend my ideas, and in so doing find out who I am. (lofty goals?) But I'm not seeking that, not getting that, feeling bored in my own skull, feeling lazy and unexercised. And this weekend was a breath of fresh air for that (smell the whiff of a can of fresh tennis balls being opened), and a sad reminder of how little I ever talk to people anymore. One of my favorite things about coming to college in those first few months was the incredible array of randomness I was met with -- the vast diversity in conversations, thoughts, beliefs, looks, people. And so now I want that again, that aspect of first semester freshman year, when everything was new, exciting, and novel.

I feel as though I'm bursting at my seams. I need something (what?) to pour myself into, to empty, a forest to get lost in, an ocean to cross. I want a challenge (and not just numbers on a page, thank you GT) to who I am. A quote from this weekend comes to mind, "I love you exactly the way you are but I love you too much to let you stay that way."

Aaaaaaaaaa

After the sessions this morning (and my inability to draw a complete "picture of your life in 10 years..." with anything except rambling, confused words and the words "what are my HEART'S DESIRES/WANTS/DREAMS/PASSIONS??" written very large in cesia (fuschia-like) crayon.), we played boys vs girls flamingo football, which was great to watch (I was going to play, but had to leave early). I don't know if we won or not...

This evening, A, her sister, and I went to Philip's to see the US Figure Stating Championships (the women's final). It was incredible. Michelle Kwan won, and rightly so. She has this power about her, and in her skating, that puts the entire arena in baited breath. Each push off of her skate seems to be thought-out and purposeful, her arms appear to hold fragile crystal as the gently follow her around the rink. And her jumps. Man, those jumps. Powerful, purposeful, confident, distinct, no-fail. The audience stood and clapped through the last 30 seconds of her program, and when she was done, she was crying (I must admit, a few droplets might have rolled down my cheeks too) and mouthing the words "thank you, thank you" over and over to her beaming fans. Whew, what a night.

I need to go to sleep now, and prepare for a less thoughtful day tomorrow.

Goodnight silent world.