Last Friday I spent an enjoyable 8 hours or so in the MRDC computer lab with my 3056 lab partner, writing our Lab 5 report. We got together Sunday and Tuesday, too, to check over things and turn in the report.

I get stressed about really silly things -- our report was 20 pages, so a standard staple was having trouble securing all the pages and the little prongs barely poked through the last page. My lab partner insisted it was a-ok, which I'm sure in the end it will be, but I got very flustered as we hurridly pushed the report through the little receptacle slot in the wall. Worst case scenarios flashed through my mind -- oh gosh, we should have put a header on it with out names. we should have found a better stapler. we should have....and I got annoyed with myself for working myself up over nothing, really. It took until the end of Mechatronics, when my mind was filled with brushes and commutators, for me to feel somewhat relaxed again. Oye!

Since I took the time to do lots of homework over the weekend, the week has been pretty good. I haven't had much to worry about, school wise, except the usual busy-ness. I had a very frustrating conversation Sunday. What's made me the most sad about this conversation is that it has stuck with me -- I haven't been able to brush it off, take it for the grain of salt it was meant to be. It has negatively affected some friendships that I thought were near indestructible. Worse, it makes me regret decisions made earlier in the semester. Alas, you live and learn, right, and there's no point to regrets. That's always been my soapbox, right? No regrets, because then you're not really living your life in the present. I feel the need to constantly defend myself when I'm in my room, I feel like I'm constantly being judged as a bad person...it makes me hurt inside. How eloquent, Jen.

On the other hand, I've been able to hang out with a great friend more this week. We went shopping on Tuesday for formal dresses. Dress shopping is such a strange social convention. Its so very hard to please myself in being a girl, or in doing girl-ish things. *Too tight*too short*not short enough*whoa boobs aren't supposed to show there*is that MY skin?*when did I start to look like an elephant?*is this going to fall down?*is this supposed to be here?

In the end, a perfect dress found me and we made plans for the next two weekends. DX's formal is in Asheville this weekend and I'm super excited. Very stressed, at the same time, though, since I always have so much work to do.

I know I've said this before, but even though I have more work to do this semester than ever before, I still feel happy. I should call my parents more often, though.

Oh! My lander is in the construction phase!! (Check this out and click on the "research interests link. I'm working on the project listed under current projects) All the aluminum parts finally arrived and this week I began connecting everything. I have learned so much in this process; it's definitely going to benefit me in the "real world," just in the sort of practical, day-to-day engineering knowledge it's given me. If anything, I wish I had more time to just sit back and enjoy this process of design and implementation.

A downside to so much right brain (err, whatever science/analytical/problem solving/math thinking is called) activity is that my left brain feels like it's struggling. Complex sentences that used to come easily, that had the potential to be artistic get all warbled now, and come out in gasps and pants of frustration in pushing out a coherent thought. It's quite bothersome, to feel like the thesaurus in my mind is covered in the permafrost of engineering education.

I hate cenorship! But I also disdain people who purposfully say things they know will hurt other people's feelings, especially in a large crowd. It's devisive, cruel, and immature. People who are holier-than-thou and self-righteous get on my nerves too -- who are you to complain about other people having opinions, regardless of the "trouble" you went through?? Sometimes I worry that this group is moving in the direction the other five have already embraced. I want to be able to come back to Tech and be proud of this group, and not feel ashamed of the superficiality that has become prevalent. Humph. I'm one of the old people now...it's funny, but I really do feel like the youngin's are ignorant to advice and keep trying to reinvent the wheel, to make the same mistakes as their predessors -- what's the point of evolving or trying to be a "leader" if you don't want to ask for help or grow your mindset and way of doing things?

"See I don't
know why
I liked you so much
I gave you all of my trust
I told you
I loved you
Now that's all down the drain...

Fuck what I said, it don't mean shit now.

You thought you could
keep this shit from me
you played me
you even gave him head
now you're asking for me back
you're just another hack
I don't want you back

you questioned did Ii care?
you can ask anyone
I even said you were my great one
now it's all over"
but I do admit I'm sad
it hurts real bad
but I can't sweat it now
'cause I love love."

I love this song.