Right now, my heart is filled with sadness, bitterness, and anger. I don't like it.

I don't like having my normally-happy, cheerful, optimistic mind overtaken by mean thoughts and cruelness towards other people. I want to live my life like a good person, but other people make that so damn hard. ha.

(Smelly and Frank just knocked into the wall we share. Yes! The sound of getting it on in the next room. Ha.)

Tonight, no, the past few weeks, have been such a tumult of conflicting emotions. I feel as if everyone around me is angry or sad at or because of someone else that they're supposed to be good friends with, that no conversations I have anymore are real, that everyone is just saying things, the right things to say to people's faces, and then turning around and saying the opposite. And it's horrible because I know I'm guilty of it too. (but I want to stop. ?)

I'm saddened because it feels like no one wants to live in this room anymore. Everyone feels like they've made the wrong decision by deciding to stay here together for another year -- there's something wrong for everyone, whether it's cleanliness or feeling lonely and out of place, or whatever -- and it makes me feel really duped, like I was under the impression that we were all one big family, or could be, and that we all made the conscious decision that next year was going to be different, that we were all going to make the effort to be better friends and hang out. Damn it, I really like this people and it feels like a slap in the face that I really want to be better friends with them and they just want out.

Talking to K tonight I realized another way we're similar (if I can be presumptuous to say this, K :) ): both of us (I think) put more into the relationships we're in than we get back. I feel so much vested emotionally in some people, or so much hope about what our relationship could be, while the other people don't return the feeling or realize the way I feel. So then careless actions they make that don't seem like they'd matter, hurt me a lot. A lot.

As the semester comes to a close, I return to myself -- my natural emotions, beliefs, what really makes me who I am and what makes me pursue my dreams. What reminds me of why I love Alex so much (woot woot UM and my favorite B-boy) and our great conversations; why I love K; why I love D and H; because they epitomize what makes me happy and allow me to be who I truly, completely am. During the stress of the semester, I definitely lose sight of that, of it all. I forget how important my mommy and daddy are. How important the people who care about me (the few, the proud :) ) are to me. I forget how my dreams have always been the same, I've just perverted their manifestation in the form of a mechanical engineering degree. How much I really just want to work in a remote forest, stopping logging, or working at a zoo cleaning bird poo. Because that stuff is simple, is pure, isn't complicated with emotions and questions and challenging perceptions. It's just me and my simple ideas of what makes life worth living day-to-day. Who cares about respect from "important" people or grades or a degree? I hate that I want to do the PeaceCorp, but in reading the qualifications necessary to do the environmental programs they offer, I realize how unqualified I am. How my degree has not put me any closer to my aspirations. How I'm too stubborn and hard headed to change that now, to get a degree that reflects what I want to actually do, and will, on paper (the only thing the rest of the world cares about) show that I'm qualified. Oye.

I'm mad that other people who I thought had good hearts put boys over friends, blatantly. I hate when people break commitments. And I hate that in doing all this hating, I've come to dislike myself very much too, for my not-nice actions sometimes. AAAAAAAA I just want to scream. It's all just so frustrating. Why can't the world just be simple like in my mind, simple like the library, where everything is arranged in a logical dewey-decimal order? Where there are pretty windows to look out of, to stare at a sanitized, clean, in-tact world. Where there are cubby holes to bury in when the picture outside the window is too beautiful to even fathom, to delve into. To escape from the dream of reality.

Why can't we all just speak our minds and get along? Granted, why can't I be mature enough to talk, face-to-face, to the people who make me upset? Am I scared? If I think honesty is so great, why aren't I jumping to share my brutal honesty?

Happy Birthday, K. I love you.

I want to know why the world ticks, why people hurt others, why things have to be complicated when really, the only things that really matter are the people around you, the sun shining down, and unadulterated, unconditional love. pure.

*sigh*

And then there's the people who disappoint me, because of their actions and how I feel they portray the person as having a cruel heart, an unfeeling one. Why can't arms wrap me up?

Goodnight, world. Maybe I'll believe in you more after a good night's sleep. *alwayshopingdreamingwantingwishingpraying*