It is Friday night, there's a party in the big room, and I am in here avoiding people. Because that's what I do, avoid people.

Today. Was. Well, full. I don't feel as much personal satisfaction from small group as I used to. I really like the topics we discuss and everyone's opinions, but I need more -- I need someone like my dad, someone I can just rapid-fire questions at and have an answer returned as quickly. I need to be challenged, almost, to really probe my questions, my reactions, my faith; I feel as though I'm languishing in belief, building a relationship, but not feeling completely like I'm doing what I'm supposed to. I can't discern if I feel like I need to share my beliefs, or if it's just that I'm bored with my surroundings (new, anyone? anything new?) and displacing that boredom.

But now, I have my pretty candle with the glass shade thing burning, filling my tiny little room with a wonderfully delirious scent that is making me feel heady.

I have been very frustrated the past 72 hours, about several particular things. Namely, my leadership ability, future of things important to me (though mocked by others), feeling gyped, and feeling disparaged. After talking to Danielle tonight, I feel much better about the first two and almost mad about the last. I feel as though I've been counted out for this particular thing -- the assumption has been made that I'm not it; not that I'm not qualified, but that it's just not for me. Reflection has brought me to the thought process that no, I will not roll over and accept something that casts my place for me. No, I won't complacently let my dreams be squashed. Only I can do that. So, I'm going to bring it, if you will. And we'll see how "unique" your experience and talents are. And how "unimportant" and "irrelevant" mine are. I just hope gender doesn't play a role; that would make me feel cheated.

Sometimes I think my zeal for certain things causes me more stress than its worth. PCGB, for example. Oye. Let's not get into that now.

I cannot wait until tomorrow evening. Danny and Hanson are coming -- aaaaaa!! I'm estatic and only slightly nervous that they have a good time. Whatever, we'll all be together again so anything will be fun. They're just...sigh...the best.

I hate feeling like I don't have control over my hours, as if I'm just going through the motions of my life. I've complained about this before, I guess. I keep telling myself it'll all change soon, but since when did I start living for the future and forget to pay attention to the right now? Right now, I miss J. Sadly. Madly. It's as if part of me is missing, part of me is in another state, and part of me is missing me too.

When did you become me and meyou? When did I become we and me was okay with that?

I want to be everything. I was once told that it's possible. To want everything and nothing all at once. To want love and sadness. To want shelter and a medal. Have you ever wanted it all? You can't have it now.

::conflicted::pained::happyinheranonymity?::