Dear Jen's Blog,

I want to apologize for my absense of late. Ok, of a long, long time. The guilt associated with your subsequent neglect has finally caught up to me (plus K and I spent a long time on the floor, a topic I'd like to address next, listening to really good, though-inspiring music) and I feel the desire to purge my brain. Woof. First, though, about the floor. It's a way-underutilized space whose value should be reconsidered in this day and age of technology that requires desk space. I really like the feeling of connecting with someone over a threadbare rug, throwing peals of giggles back and forth over the crumb-scattered floor. Slouching, with legs splayed and backs slumped. Floors were made for friendship.

This week has been a tumult of emotions. I feel like that phrase is very cliched in my life (maybe it just runs through my mind frequently, "Today is a tumult of emotions."). Anyway, I've had four interviews for potential j-o-b's and I have another tomorrow (which is why I should have been asleep 3 hours ago. Sigh.). How can I offer my skills to employers when I don't even know what I want to do with them?? How can I sell myself to the man to make a quick buck without knowing that the role will be emotionally fulfilling, mentally challenging, and not dirty. You know, against my morals (the environment, yo. "Think green") -- it kind of feels like a degree in mechanical engineer equates to a degree is promoting all the negative aspects of American culture and life that I don't like, namely, mass production of needless goods that multiply the waste filling landfills everyday, nonetheless optimizing these processes...I feel like I have to search especially hard to find a company that is willing to hire a ME to do something other than find new ways to harm the environment. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, to move on from the dreams I've always had and realize that dreams change. I have been fortunate (or not?) until now by having a pretty straightforward, clear sense of self and purpose and where I wanted to see myself in 5-10 years.

Now, though, as realism is slamming into dreams and function and structure, I feel like I'm fighting to not drown in the man's world (I'm not talking sexist here, you should know what I mean by "the man") and struggling to remind myself to follow my dreams, they can take me anywhere I long to be because only if I truly aspire to something great will that something great happen. I've been brainwashed my whole life, just like every other public-school child, except that I actually bought every piece of encouraging wisdom that was fed to me. I'm a hopeless optimist who eagerly, hungrily digested as much positive thought that I could during my twelve years filled with support. And now that I'm really really really THINKING things through, I'm having trouble separating what my heart and mind truly desire from what I've been trained to desire from what I feel like I'm not supposed to desire (whether that's because I can't "sell out" must have "right motivations" have to "protect environment" help "those less fortunate" please "don't leave us stranded" follow "your hopes" just "listen to your heart" and don't forget "about your family"). It doesn't help that I'm interested in and intrigued by so many different things.

You know?

So we'll see where it goes from here. Job? Grad school? Peace Corp? Any insightful thoughts are very much welcomed. Even if they aren't so insightful. :)

Oh, something exciting happened today: I got nominated by ODK for Ms. Georgia Tech. Woot.

Goodnight, World. Tonight's wish is for solace. Maybe, for understanding swirling thoughts.