I don't want this to be my burden, my life's personal tragedy, this specter of loneliness waved like a proud badge of courage. Because I'd rather be comforted than courageous.

Walking through the parking garage tonight my mind separated my two very overlapping, omnipresent frustrations of the past few months -- the loneliness of being physically alone in a new place which I'm convinced everyone feels (an emotion which, ironically enough, seems highlighted and magnified when in a large group), and the sorrow of my desolation that (and I hate myself for admitting it) comes from realizing that I really want to be in a relationship again and not having ANY prospects (or hope of meeting new prospects) to think about a relationship with. *sigh* I hate myself for not being satisfied with being alone, for not being able to find that comfort within myself, for not being strong enough. For questioning my motives and wondering if I really only want to be with someone or if I need to, to be happy -- and I don't want to need to be with anyone for my happiness.

I went to church yesterday, for the first time since last summer with Danny, and it amazed me (as God always seems to, when I open my eyes) how the sermon spoke directly to me. I also talked to my mom for a solid 90 minutes yesterday, which made me simply happy.

I took a different walking route between the building and the parking garage today, and maybe I just needed that little bit of spark in my day to get my mind thinking, because those shadowy steps through the dim, muddy gray concrete jungle illuminated another emotional contrast: a satisfied, comforting acceptance of knowing that I have friends and family who genuinely do care about me, and a rational, if sad, acceptance that friends can't make things better, magically, just by talking to them - even in person. That it's ok and normal to be sad, that I don't have to feel guilty for being sad as if I'm letting someone down by letting my irrational emotions control my thoughts and decision making process. Because Friends are there to make it easier to deal with the sadness that they can't fix for you, not to make you feel guilty for not being happy.

Friends make those sad seconds that last for eons worth living through because you know they'll be there when the eon is over, waiting with a smile and that hug. When I'm shivering from the cold that seems to be seeping over me from the inside out, my friends will be the blanket that gives me even just a degree of warmth, even just the knowledge that there are edges and that the cold can only go so far. And my friends realize, too, that they can let me be sad without needing to try to make me feel immediately better. We all need to weep, sometimes.

And you'll always be there with the fresh towel when I'm ready to dry off.