Ugh! I'm so angry!

You do not leave drunk friends with sober friends who are smaller than them, and then proceed to walk away to the car without EVEN TURNING AROUND. AT ALL.

Because then things like tonight happen, where I'm screaming, "TOOOOOOOOMMMMMM" like I've never screamed someone's name before, and Tom is wandering off into the drug-selling center of downtown convinced that he is more knowledgeable than I am about where the parking garage is. AND I KNOW WHERE THE FUCKING PARKING GARAGE IS.

He runs off in the opposite direction from where we should be going, and I'm feeling lost, knowing that physical strenght wasn't going to allow me to pull Tom in the right away, having just lost that battle, and not wanting to lose physical sight of where he's going, so I just call D and, as my throat catches, tell him I've lost Tom and can't get him to come with me. I HATE BELLIGERENT DRUNK PEOPLE.

So D comes to rescue me and Tom , we run a solid three blocks shouting out "TOM!! TOMMY!! TOMMERS!!" until we find him, oblivious, rambling (literally, like a newborn colt not yet sure how to use his legs in a coordinated fashion) talking to his own reflection in a store front. And D holds his hand the hold walk back to the parking garage. I am somewhere between fuming and holding back tears at this point, FURIOUS that NO ONE noticed we weren't with them, ABSOLUTELY LIVID that NO ONE cared enough to turn around and make sure Tom and Jen were still with the group. Friendship is demonstrated in actions in the worst, most selfish of times (ie when you're another sober person ignoring the sober people around you trying to ensure the safety of the trashed) and tonight proved to me one person that isn't worth being a friend, and reaffirmed the friendship of another.

At the same time, I've realized (yet again) that I NEED to find new friends, outside of this circle to hang out with. Too much drama has developed and it makes me feel awkward and wierd and I'm just not having fun anymore. I don't like knowing that people are talking about each other behind their backs. In the beginning it all seemed so perfect and innocent and happy and now we've all known each other too long and strange things are starting to happen. I depserately miss uncomplicated friendships. Where are you, H and D?

Nights like tonight also make me tempted to quit this uphill social battle of being a female engineer. There's a lot of talk in our mostly male dominated group about how easy it is to progress as a woman or a minority, but I have to say it better damn well be easier because every other part of this business, this business of life and living and making friends and connections and hanging out, is HORRIBLE and TOUGH and HORRIBLY TOUGH as a woman -- there's no group of friends to make and hang out with, and you only get invited to so many group events because they want to "hang out with the guys" and hit on women, and who wants a woman with them for that, even if she is a purely platonic work friend, she still doesn't have a penis. And so it's wierd, like there's still always this line whcih cannot be crossed because at the end of the day I can only be so androgynous and included in so many things. It makes me angry, frustrated, sad, upset, and sometimes just want to give up and do something easier. Because gosh darnnit I like being a woman and I want to enjoy my womanhood while I'm young -- I hate feeling like I can't every truly be myself because i'm still around work friends who will judge me and question my actions. in some ways, having a boyfriend would make things much easier because it would take that off the table, it would eliminate the potential for ulterior motives which i feel like people are always look for in your actions.

Ugh. I'm so angry inside and angry double because I know I probably won't ever do anything about this frustrations, other than trying to hang out with other people and remember what it's like to be carefree me with a sexuality and not a box around me - and remember that it's ok to have fun without always being drunk. The more I'm around genuinly WASTED people, the more I question why we do it to ourselves. I should go to sleep now. If I can fall asleep with all this anger pent up - I just want to yell at someone and make them realize what jerks they are!!! aaaaaaaa