Ah, I know what this emotion is called: Depression. It doesn't come around very often, so it takes a while to figure out what this conflicted, helpless, raging sea is. Only, inside it feels more like what a tissue looks like when dropped from height - kind of swishing back and forth along whatever breezes happens through the room.

Everyone has someone, it seems. Does that magnify my isolation? But I know, in the reality part of my mind, that I'm not isolated, alone, or abandoned. But maybe I feel that way a little because I don't have someone asking me if I'm ok. Maybe because no one knows they need to ask me if I'm ok, because I don't feel comfortable with someone needing to know to ask me if I'm ok.

Or maybe that exacerbates my sadness, realizing how selfish we all are and how we really only think to ask "are you ok" to the people we genuinly, really care about, and there's no one like that here? That's where everyone's someone else comes in, because they're there to be asked if they're ok.

Maybe it's because I feel guilty for not being a good friend, for not always knowing when to ask if you're ok, or not knowing what to say when you tell me why you're not. I feel inept at having non-serious conversations nowadays. Everything is massive-life scale - relationships, physical interactions, moving, mortgages, growing up and emotions. I've forgotten what it's like to talk about nothing and really enjoy that. Or, I have since Tuesday. What?

Anyway. I tell myself I'm happy: "Look at the way the light gently slants yellow through the blinds, the way it plays on the softness of pillows; listen to the soothing bass of NPR's evening classical selection. Revel in making your own choices and following them, whatever you want to do, even when it's just sit in your favorite chair and play with the computer."

So I should be, right? Why is the seemingly-perfect environment just not doing it for me tonight? I hate not knowing what would. So instead, I'll try to distract myself. And then I'll sleep because that makes tomorrow come faster.