I'm so confused!

This harkens back to the days of Hawaiin shirts vs. drunken tom-foolery. Of sincere hatred and aggravating lust. Only this time, it's not so filled with blame and contradiction; this time it's my own problem of mental weariness.

"So will you come home, sweet angel? You're leaving me alone."

I question my thoughts' sincerity as opposed to stress-induced emotional "turmoil," my desire to do bad things opposed to my urgent need to break from routine and blasei days.

"I wanted so badly/Somebody other than me/Staring back at me/But you were gone."

(it's a Counting Crows sort of night)

I just want a break from myself, from everything so that I can feel free and understand for once and for all what it is that I want here. More? No more? Sigh. I miss having choice, waaay back in the day. There's really no good answer here, huh?

Pour over me, wash over me
Wipe away the stained streaks
that reak of another boy's smell
his fingers and arms and tousled hair
Tear away these recurring sparks
that remind me of his touch, his feel
his excitement.
(It's not him, it's me
and my wandering thoughts
my hopeful heart for something more
with what I already have
(longing))
Force recognition into my veins
make me realize that kitchens
and hallways and stairs can't
work with comforters and homes.

Sigh.

"Oh, it seems night endlessly begins and ends/After all the dreaming I come home again."

aaaaaaaa i hate want!