Well, well, well...where to start?

Today J came to town for what we had hoped would have been eight days of Florida fun. Instead, he asked me why I was being so standoffish and I told the truth and we broke up.

So this is what breaking up feels like, huh?

Well.

From the moment I saw him walk off the plane, my heart dropped. I knew instantly what I had been feeling - not thinking - was right; I knew we were going to need to be apart in order to ever be together. Even though we've talked about this on the phone alot, to actually have it be real in person is a shock and horrible and sad and maddening. But I know it's right. Right? Right. I think.

So now he's in the airport waiting for his flight to take him back to Atlanta. He was in FL for exactly six hours.

I'm kind of stunned, not really knowing how I feel yet. I'm kind of numb. But I do feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. As Kelly Clarkson says, "Since you've been gone I can breathe for the first time."

It doesn't help that I had so much fun yesterday (the Keys - let me save that for the next paragraph) and before that with D and H. I think this is going to be good, for me, for now.

The Keys. The beauty of that neverending blue spilling onto pale shores that finger south calms, excites, erupts love within me. I don't think any person could ever make me feel the same way staring at the Atlantic ocean - my Atlantic ocean - does. It inspires in me hope for the present and the future and makes me happy with thoughts of the memories I left with it earlier with Physalia. When I dip my toes in it's like I'm being tickled by an old friend who has missed me as much as I missed it; I'm suddenly engulfed with a reassuring warmth that yes, this is where you belong, the sort of welcome I've never quite found anywhere else. I know that for me to be serene and happy in my life, I'm going to need to be near the water. Now I just have to find my skipper (or train him :)).

It makes me really sad though, when during my return trip from Marathon early this morning (3 am) I was greeted by an immense orange-y glow rising from the northeast - Miami. It's like a huge fiery orb was dropped in the middle of the ocean and got stuck and glued into place by high rises and money-obsessed beautiful people. I guess that's "civilization" though and should be admired or something. Or something, I say.

Though I still was confused about somethings yesterday, and not sure yet how selfish I wanted to be I'm satisfied with how things went. I can't live with regret, afterall. At least I tell myself that. I'm so intrigued by somethings, and hate the feeling of being at a loss to find out more. It's kind of like being lost with no map and no idea how to even look for a map so you're just gropping around blindly with no chance to know if your fingers are actually grazing across what you need to find resolve.

So many thoughts to expunge...

This past week I've also spent cleaning out my life - literally. I've gone through all my drawers and put together two bags of clothes to donate, and am almost finished going through all my paper-stuff. It's incredible (and incredibly disgusting, too, kind of to see the sheer massive quantity of stuff I've kept over the years) how intimidated I am by younger self. I had it going on back then. It makes me question what I've done lately that even comes close to the dreams, the vision that I had back then.

Looking at old essays, for AP english assignments, scholarship and college applications, random post-it note thoughts scribbled in my car, the idealism I had is so truely heartfelt and passionate, it's saddening almost - how did I really believe those words I wrote about life and it's goals and attributes? was I that naive??. And the answer to that is yes. How did I manage to make friends back then? I really honestly felt like I could go anywhere, do anything, if I only set my mind to it hard enough (though that ideal started to be chipped away when I got wait-listed at Stanford). I almost wish I still had that optimism, but I don't think a person could survive in the real, dismal, disheartening world we live in with the mindset I had. The world is run by people who are jaded and sarcastic today. Man I talked big -it's funny to see what I wouldn't have believed about myself without the obvious reminders of my essays.

This reminscing made me think about society in general and how the world seems geared to promote the success of its youth. "The youth" can be greedy with opportunities and options and help and direction and accolades.

So I've also been thinking about how greatful I am to have certain people put in my life. All these topics intertwine in my mind and relate by their impact on my thought process....Anyway, so some people that might have been frustrating or maddening at times have been part of teaching me to be a better person myself and how to listen and talk and understand how other people work. Thank you for that.

Back to beautiful scenary - D and I talked on the way home about how (we'd both heard) people are naturally attracted more to the look of their "natives" - whereever you're from or culture or whatever - and I wonder if the same could be said for your surroundings, if you'll always favor the environment that looks most like (or is) the one you were raised with, if it's just most normal and beautiful. Hmm.

Some songs have been haunting my thoughts lately:

"Three important rules for breaking up
Don't put off breaking up when you know you want to
Prolonging the situation only makes it worse
Tell him honestly, simply, kindly, but firmly
Don't make a big production
Don't make up an elaborate story
This will help you avoid a big tear jerking scene
If you wanna date other people say so
Be prepared for the boy to feel hurt and rejected
Even if you've gone together for only a short time,
And haven't been too serious,
There's still a feeling of rejection
When someone says she preferres the company of others
To your exclusive company,
But if you're honest, and direct,
And avoid making a flowery emotional speech when you brake the news,
The boy will respect you for your frankness,
And honestly he'll apeciate the kind of straight foward manner
In which you told him your decision
Unless he's a real jerk or a cry baby you will remain friends"
--Nada Surf, "Popular"

"What I'm trying to say is that I-love-you I just
I feel like this is coming to an end
And its better for me to let it go now than hold on and hurt you
I gotta let it burn...

It's gonna burn for me to say this
But it's comin from my heart
It's been a long time coming
But we done been fell apart
Really wanna work this out
But I don't think you're gonna change
I do but you don't
Think it's best we go our separate ways
Tell me why I should stay in this relationship
When I'm hurting baby, I ain't happy baby
Plus theres so many other things I gotta deal with....

Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you
Hate the thought of her being with someone else
But you know that it's over
We know that it's through...

I think that you should let it burn
I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on
On the other side I wanna break down and cry (ooooh)"
--Usher, "Burn"

So. Baseball, golf, tennis, working out, friends and family. I'm going to be ok. For now. :)