You make me happier when you're near than anytime you're not.

When you leave, my thoughts immediately turn to the next time you'll be close.

While you're gone I wonder if you miss me like I miss you. I miss the way you tease me. I miss how you make me laugh. I miss the way you make me think that the future can't be that lonely.

Do you know how much I like you? Do you know how you infect my mind and make me happier just being with you no matter what we're doing and make my heart squeeze a little when you leave? Because I'm scared to tell you, scared to scare you since it scares me.

Do I let you know how great I think you are? Through the belittling and sarcasm, can you tell how much you mean to me? Is it wrong for me to assume how you feel about me based on your gentle barbs?

I thought it was enough: the way you look at me, the way your smiles tell me everything I assume you're trying to say, the way you sometimes let your fingers linger on mine when they don't have to. But my heart wants more. I tell it not to, I tell it to be happy with what it gets, that it's not allowed to expect anymore because it doesn't deserve to, that it needs to let reality in as much as it does whimisical dreams of happily-ever-after. But my assumptions of how you feel about me don't seem to be enough for my heart anymore. I lowered my emotion-guarding walls and let you in, and now I need more to bolster my heart. I need more to know it's ok to let you in. I need more to know it's ok to trust you to have an effect on me. I need more to know you aren't going to hurt me, scarring one more spot from being able to feel next time. Please don't make me think about next time, not yet.

Now you make me cry because I feel too much. I worry that you don't care like I do. That I've jumped too quickly in letting you in. That you're going to turn around one time on your way out the door and crush me, "Jen, I'm done with this - with you - now. It was fun, but I'm done now."

Do you know you make me cry? I cry in that free, snot-run-down-my-face-in-rivulets sort of way. I cry silently, each choked sob expressed in the individual tears that plop from my eyes, each less reluctant to leave my ducts than the one before it.

It feels so good to finally cry, to finally admit the effect you're having on me, to finally succumb to the emotions trapped inside. I'm smiling, laughing in my tears, at the fact that it's really happened again, that I actually care about someone again in a way I didn't think would ever happen, ever. I really, honestly, genuinely, didn't think I'd ever meet another person I liked enough to make me want to let them make me cry. But I'm ok with you being the person who makes me cry. I just hope I won't regret it later. Maybe that's the beauty of being able to cry, feeling human again knowing that I'm able to be effected by another person, confirming my inclusion in this human society. It's no longer just another person's suffering in some faraway country that can make me cry; finally my own sorrow can force tears from my eyes. It's refreshing. Terrifying, but refreshing nonetheless.

I don't know what to do with myself now. How do I deal with all these feelings always around me? I've opened my heart to you to feel this way, but now I wish I could stuff it all back in a box, lodge it in the back of my heart, and go back to controlling my emotions so that when you leave I'm not left with an empty spot of sad. Do you still control your emotions towards me? Have you let me in yet? Tell me you're affected by me the way I am by you. Tell me this is going to be worth it.

Oh, and I love that you want to go for walks outside.

I leave so many questions unvoiced, left in my mind to ruminate and ask next time. I take what you say at face value, assuming that you don't have hidden meaning behind your stories, assuming you're telling me whatever it is you mean to. Why do I wimp out asking my questions? Maybe I'm not ready for the answers yet. I don't want to be the one who feels more first. It needs to be you. It just does.

My current emotional buoys, courtesy Rascal Flatts:
"Saying you've been waiting all your life for a break like this
It's your chance of a lifetime you just know it is
You gotta go find those dreams
Was the last thing that you said
And then I did

But you were wrong
Love was what I wanted all along
And now you're gone"

"I'm gonna stop lookin' back and start movin' on
And learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here

Go out on a ledge, with out any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah I wanna be runnin'
When the sand runs out"

"I don't want to see you anymore
I'm just not that strong
I love it when you're here,
But I'm better when you're gone"