I'm tired (it's 3:16 am and I'm supposed to eat breakfast with moms and pops in the morning), but I'm going to struggle through and get this out now, before the raw thoughts thaw and turn to mush.

Last night Hanny and I went to the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, which not only has a hotel and casino (as the name would suggest), but also a large shopping/restaurant/club area, too. The casino was gorgeous. Absolutely beautiful. I felt like I was in Disney World, and I think my mouth hung open while I stared all around trying to absorb all the colors and people and commotion. The themed restaurants and clubs were neat, too - H and I hung out in a jazz club for a while, watching a latin jazz band play, and took in a little of the club featuring dualing pianos (whoa! so cool!). Then we decided to ditch the forty-year olds and watch the end of the Spurs basketball game at Hooters (where our waitress was the only one wearing a long-sleeved cotton t-shirt. I laughed.) We were surrounded by beautiful people - between being there yesterday and south beach today, a girl like myself could really develop an inferiority complex.

Today we decided to immerse ourselves in the fun of Hip Hop Weekend (aka Memorial day weekend in Miami) and go to south beach. I've never seen the beach so crowded, and I've also never seen so many topless women at a non-nudist beach. I don't understand the beauty of boobies (perhaps someone who knows would like to enlighten me?) - they're really just lumps of fat and tissue, right? I think that cleavage or a partially covered breast is much more attractive than a fully exposed, nip-and-all, teat. Tomorrow we're going to Ft. Laudy instead, though, which should mean parking will be easier to find.

Seeing so many "typical" (are they really though? my sample location is highly selective in a way) people in the past few days has really disappointed me, and made me realize that I'm an undercover educational elitist. Granted the places I've been have been the sorts of locations that reward overt sexuality, but I feel so overly exposed to human lust and temptation and sex being the motivation for life and life's actions, that I'm saddened by humanity. Such a sweeping statement isn't really fair, I know, and is an immature argument for my emotions, but I really wonder sometimes how I'm going to fit in in a world that I feel so critical of, so different from, and so (scared?) of. I want to be rewarded in life for thinking, wondering, questioning, not just for looking particularly good in gold sparkly low cut tops. And I'm discouraged because I think that is what the world selects for. It's probably that I'm jealous that I don't fit into that world, that I don't naturally excell in those areas and it's hard and a challenge that can't be fixed by just trying harder or studying more. I reassure myself by thinking that it's just like that here, the places I've been, and not everywhere. If so, then I want to escape from the world that's ruled by pussy (as Hanson postulates).

Yea, I'm probably just feeling insecure. Even so, I hope that in the long run brains really do matter, and not it's not all about brawn.

More lyrics stuck in my head...
"Don't you see, don't you see,
that the charade is over?
And all the "Best Deceptions" and "Clever Cover Story" awards go to you.
So kiss me hard
'cause this will be the last time that I let you.
You will be back someday
and this awkward kiss that screams of other people's lips will be of service
to keeping you away.

I heard about your regrets.
I heard that you were feeling sorry.
I heard from someone that you wish you could set things right between us.
Well I guess I should have heard of them from you.
I guess I should have heard of them from you."
--Dashboard Confessional, "The Best Deceptions"