i'm dying inside, and nobody knows it but me... (tony rich project maybe?)

why is it that honesty, the one thing that i've always thought was right, and would lead to good outcomes (because when you're honest people are more sympathetic, right?) has failed me? plum failed. i am swimming in circles in the same whirlpool of emotions and thoughts that i fought with two months ago. I don't think he understands the full intensity with which i hated life, him, the emotions he caused, the intensity with which i wanted everything to end. how much residual hate and mistrust is still left in my heart; i dont know how to clean myself out. i dont know how to reassure myself that its not all just going to happen again and break my heart all over again, not going to make me wish i had just ended things when i had the chance. and now, with this new *thing* putting even more doubt in my mind, making me question everything even moreso than i already did...

yourwords arebubbles ina cesspoolofmy swirlingemotions

i dont want someone else to make a decision for me, i want to be fully in control of the situation and know that i am bringing on whatever this is to myself. will i be able to handle this all over again. will it be different because i dont care. but i do. i feel like no matter how much i try to convince myself that a positive outcome will result, i dont trust that it will, that something bad is inevitably going to happen just because of all the doubt i harbor, that with all this doubt i'd never fully believe that something positive was real, concrete and with conviction. maybe i just need to try other things, to know. i dont believe myself. my mind has changed too many times, i dont trust it; i've changed so many times, i don't trust myself.

aye.

don't you know me?
haven't you seen me around, smiling sardonically
playing with the words that break you
so that i can hurt you before you
shatter me.