I'm so proud of my best friend from home. She rocks my world totally and completely. I feel guilty for not calling and talking to her as much as I feel like I'm *supposed* to, but the thing is that our relationship has this amazing ability to sustain even when we aren't in communication all the time, since we both think about each other even if we aren't talking. So anyway, the reason I'm so proud of her is because she has finally come full circle (or almost) with her emotions towards her boyfriend, finally has accepted the way things are and is trying to be proactive about what to do about it, and it just makes me so happy to see her not drowning in sadness while fliting from person to person when the only way she'll be happy is once she's happy with herself, which it seems like she almost is. [I love you, andmay yay :)] I feel like we've both grown so much; from similar places to such drastically different ones and then to another similar plateau. It's good.

And my life. Whew. I'm nervous about tomorrow, but I don't think I should be. I'm running for Chair of this organization, and I really really want to do it but I don't know how the discussion will go...anyway, I'll keep ya updated. It's been a whirlwind lately, and has made me slightly sad because I haven't had the time to just sit on my bum and think. I really like thinking about what I've done with my time. Where has it all gone in the past couple of weeks? What do I have to show for it all? A new world perspective? A new opinion? Nay, nay. I feel kind of like my life is going by really fast and leaving me behind; my thought processes haven't yet caught up with everything that's happened. I've started going to a small group at CCF with three other friends and an intern, and this past weekend I went on a retreat. Now that's something totally un-me, at least according to Danny :) But I feel really proud of myself for stepping out of my "comfort zone" and exploring something that I've always wanted to explore. The only thing is that I can't quite sort out my thoughts on everything. It's all kind of swished around and mixed up, and I know what I want to think, but I feel like my heart is shutting down my mind and I'm not thinking clearly, so I don't feel like I can trust my heart, and when I try to think about it, my head starts to hurt and I start feeling super confused. Oye!

I want to believe, but I feel like my mind is not allowing me to reconcile some of the major problems with it all that I have. I just don't know. Plus, I don't want to be doing this for the wrong reasons, and I don't want to just *convince* myself of everything, I want to truly feel/make sense of it. But if everyone struggles so much with it, why do so many people believe? Somethings just don't make much sense to me. But then there are things that make me think it is all real, like Jody...but then there's my dad. ?? !

Beyond that, I feel like I'm making some of my life's decisions in the next couple of weeks; I feel closer and closer to the sprout, but everything else is terrifying - when does is end? what if it doesn't? is that a good thing? I just don't know...I don't even want to know. Plus, what about new Hawaiin developments?? Oye oye oye.

I'm gonna go work on some work. Here here.