I was walking down the sidewalk next to SAC fields this afternoon, absent-mindedly fiddling with my walkman as I walked in an attempt to get NPR's Evening Edition to come in clearly (it's times like those that make me really miss home and good ol' 91.3, the NPR station in south Fl that had quality programming all day with a strong signal, and none of that classical music for 20 hours a day. Not that I don't like classical music, it's just that I like Fresh Air with Terry Gross and the Diane Ream Show a whole lot more. Arg.), and I thought to myself, "I feel like writing. I like feeling like writing. It's a good feeling."

And it made me look forward to finally getting to come back to my room, turn on some Counting Crows (aahhhh), and write away. The best is that when I felt this overwhelming urge to purge my thoughts onto a medium other than brain waves bouncing around, I didn't have any specific thingto write about, so now I feel free. There are a couple things I've been thinking about lately, though. One's friendship, and the other's religion. Whoa, momma, talk about some loaded topics. Aw, man. Megan, my roomie, just came in to ask me if I wanted to play softball and I said no and now I regret it, because it might be fun, but I was planning on going to bed in a few minutes. Arg! Maybe I should go.....I feel a little guilty. Eh.

So friendship and religion. I don't really know how to say what I want to say about the first, but as for the latter, we (me, Biff, Ainsley, and Emily) have started a small group at CCF, mostly for Biff and I to learn more. And it's made me feel really comforted but guilty all at the same time, mostly because growing up the Jewish side of my family was always more active in their religion and more positive with their beliefs, whereas the Christian side of the family didn't go to church or teach me anything about it, and so by taking an active interest in christianity, I feel sort of like I'm rejecting half of my family. Is that wrong? All I know is that it makes me really happy to feel like I'm learning. Maybe I shouldn't overanalyze this like I do all things and just take it as it comes. Plus, it's a great time to spend with friends. So that's the other thing - friends. I feel like I haven't been a very good friend lately to my closest friends, those who mean the most to me. I guess it's partially because I feel so swamped in stuff that I just don't want to talk to one more person, have one more thing on my mind (missing them), and by ignoring them I ignore the problem, but in fact I am inadvertantly making it worse. Aye. I don't know why I keep making excuses to myself to not call them -- just how I've gotten really good at making excuses for all sorts of things, to not do things. I am one lazy person.

War, huh? What of that? At first I was adamantly opposed, but after talking with the sprout and having him tell me thoughts I had never really thought before, I think it might not be as awful as I once believed. I still think there might be better ways to go about things (or at least, other pressing problems that should be addressed and not just classified as "regional problems"), but hopefully things will work out best.

Maybe I'm afraid of facing myself and so I ignore those people who mean most...I dunno...

I wanted so badly somebody other than me staring back at me, but you were gone gone gone.

What if they need me?

I wanted to see you walking backwards, get the sensation of you coming home.
I wanted to see you walking away from me, without the sensation that you're leaving me alone.

I want to go back to Europe.

So will you come home, sweet angel? You're leaving me alone, alllllll alone.

When a cloud puffs,
draws close and separates again,
and the sun sparkles in the puddles
just right for splashing through, carefree-like,
I think of you and you
and when we were here and us and shining.

Do you remember those times when you
were late because of tetris?
When I smiled adoringly into your face,
strikingly similar to mine but with
lines of wisdom demarcating your years.
When I laughed and you were the smartest ever.
And now I ignore you too, like them, like the sun.
The days stretch and I forget the weeks
and soon you are someone else who is only
those 15 months in a square grey room.
I wish you were the 18 years before that.

I hope that I get over this before
it's too late for you to be able to forgive me.

Maybe I'm rejecting d because he is home and reminds me of home and times and i dont want to think of them anymore, i feel better without them, i'm not used to having both, not used to having to feel like having to walk on eggshells, not used to having this cloud hanging over home, and having you remind me of that cloud. maybe i want you more than you know but i dont know how to talk to you without crying. maybe i dont know how to talk to you without letting hte resentment and rejection lace my words. maybe i'm afraid that youll make me sad. maybe i'm most afraid that i dont know what i'll do, how i'll react, and most of all that i dont know who i'm talking to.