big green monkey everyone's a junkie. is it bad that sometimes i think about what the rest of the world will think if i died? i wonder who will genuinely be sad. and i also wish sometimes, just for an instant, that i was dead so that the people(person) i care about most would realize what they have. would value it, life. maybe not death, but just severe (but recoverable) bodily damage. is that morbid? is it an indication i'm psychologically unstable?

yesterday on the way to the mall there was a traffic holdup and so we were going really slow under the bridge overpass and i saw an older man (although he could have been young, with his face prematurely aged by the streets) rocking himself back and forth like an autistic child might rock themselves, in that nook between the side of the road and the underpart of the overpass. my eyes watered and my world stopped for that instant - how can the world be such that i was in a car with a person who was selfishly pissed off because the traffic was slow, and theres also this man who has nothing but the heatfrom the cars passing overhead and in front of him. i wonder when the last good meal he had was. i wonder when some one last told him they loved him. i wonder when he last smiled. i wonder if the only company he has are the voices in his head. the table next to me at dinner tonight, a family pizza joint, had 3 kids, maybe 2, 1, and a couple months (not all a part of the same family) with them. they seemed to all be having a good time, but when i looked into the baby's eyes as she(?) tried to grab her stocking'd feet i felt worried. i felt scared that this innocent looking little baby was going to have to grow up to see things when theyve progressed past their sorry state now; we passed some trees leaving the restaurant and i wondered if the baby would ever get to see these particular trees; would she ever know what it's like to stand in an unadulterated strand of trees in the middle of a preserve and feel life spinning around you, feel apart of the world, feel apart of its cycle, feel the touch of a branch brush her cheek as she romps through a field? and i worried. i smiled and waved at what appeared to be her older brother, and i wondered if he would make it out of his teens: would he bear witness to a school shooting? would he have his father taken away from him by the government? would he ever have to know what it feels like to want to end? also in the restaurant, i saw a girl, about 5, hanging from her father's neck, burrowed in that comforting crook between his armpit and his chest, legs wrapped around his belly. would she have him ripped away from her, out of his watchful embrace? would she be jaded to the world? would she eventually realize there was nothing? at the same time as feeling all this irrational concern, i was thinking about how nice it must be to be apart of a family that is together. what safety must come from knowing they will all be there in the morning when you wake up. if only....

and oh you thought you could buy your last piece of mind. --olp

no more words are coming right now.