Save the Last Dance, the second DVD to be added to my collection of four, is on the WB tonight and with the first strands of K-Ci and Jo-Jo's song "Tell me it's real" (I think), I was immediately pulled back into my junior year of high school and my gigantic crush on J.E. (ehem, I think you all know who I'm referring to), the finest and most intelligent black man I have ever met (and I've met many black men in my day). I distinctly remember this one specific moment; it's one of those moments that I am frequently reminded of whenever I have the startling realization of the beauty that surrounds me. Jason and I were sitting on the bench between second and third hall -- the wooden bench beneath the huuuuge banyon tree, whose branches and shade stretched for miles -- and he was helping me with my AP Chemistry homework (which, I must finally admit, I didn't need as much help with as I proclaimed I did. Isn't that awful? That I abused his intense intelligence as an excuse to hang out with him? How immature, yet strikingly brilliant of me!). We would drift off topic (but why oh why did the topic never quite drift to prom...and him asking me to be his date...why did Ivan have to be the one who asked me?? Oye.), one of us would say something funny, he would laugh that great laugh of his (it was deep, true, from his belly) and his delicious brown eyes would crinkle in that cute kind of way, and he'd lightly throw his head back, so the sunlight streaking through the banyon leaves would dapple his face gently. Oh how I loved those study sessions...leaning in close over the book...arms lightly brushing...So that moment that occurred once while studying with him that has left such an impression in my mind and heart is this feeling. It was a feeling I had never felt before. It was this feeling of everything becoming sharper. Of life being in focus. Like I was being treated with a glimpse of the future in that millisecond of look at the tree. In looking at that tree, I felt like I saw every single vain on its leaves, like every edge of every leaf was in perfect contrast to the perfect blue of the sky. In that instance, I felt composure, peace, excitment, hope, optimism, a feeling that I lived in a world where Jason could like me too, that I could lean in for a smooch like in the movies and he would look deep into my eyes and proclaim how beautiful he thought I was. A feeling of clarity. Serene clarity. Maybe that was the first time in my life I felt like I could love someone. No, I didn't love JE; that would be a little silly. It was the feeling of optimism that I could love someone, and even better, that they would be able (and want to) love me in return. A feeling that the world was amazing, beautiful, gorgeous, how lucky I was to be in it, how amazing nature was for having such awe-inspiring colors, shapes, lines. I've always felt a special allegiance to nature, the earth, with special and empowering, body controlling emotions that can only be triggered by a perfectly white moon, a dazzling display of the ocean's power on a shore line, the gentle sound of trees rustling outside my grandparent's old house, watching a slug crawl purposefully across the human jungle we've emprisoned it by...and it's incredible. I love feeling overtaken by the lapping of the waves on a hull, being mesmerized by a cloud meandering across the orange-streaked sky. Wow. I feel overtaken even now, just thinking about how great the world we live in is, how much it offers while we stamp on it, disregard it, and trash it. Another scene imprinted in my mind: a view while walking from the student center to SAC in which the sun was setting, and the row of trees along the walk next to the IC was perfectly framed and the yellow light fell perfectly through the leafless branches. Words cannot describe such incredulity that passes by the eyes.

Whew, got a little carried away there guys. Lo siento. I haven't felt that feeling very often in my life, more than usually, it's a feeling spurred by a sudden remembrance of the way the branches looked, the feeling of unknowing in sitting next to JE, seeing the sun looking particularly glorious.

Other times I felt that sudden feeling? (I feel like crying) Studying abroad - with Nich in Switzerland, besides the intense beauty of the literally snow-capped mountains, feeling like life was mine for the taking, I could do anything, the world was at peace in my heart. I was at peace with myself. I..I...I don't know. In Brussels, riding the metro by myself on the way to a meeting point - realing I was a real person. A full, complete human being with my own mind and feelings and control over my body. Looking around the car at the other passengers, that self-aware feeling of, I am I. I am ME. No one else here knows ME. Me. me. I'm me. I carried everything in my past, looked forward to the future knowing it was fully MINE, and possessed everything in my present. Or when I was in my room in my host family's house, feeling desolate, alone, and scared of being all of me because it meant I was no longer my parent's, and got a letter from Jody. Pouring over that letter, with my tears staining all of his thoughtfully written words; bawling because I knew then that there was someone thousands of miles away who loved me because they wanted to, and loved me enough they wanted me to know and feel special. Saying "I love you." Finally seeing my dad. Holding my grandfather's hand for the last time, with Jeopardy (his favorite show) on in the background. Times that made me feel like the world was a horrible place I wanted to take myself out of? Seeing my dad Thanksgiving freshman year (the worst "feast" in my life. ever.). Getting the call that my grandma died, after I had made the decision to not leave school to go see her one last time because I had a test. or something equally nonmeaningful in the grand scheme of things. Fall, sophomore year when I hated myself and the sprout. My parents not being at the Vagina Monologues because of my dad. Sometimes, I think about how unfair the world is and how unfairly it works. Yet I am I and me fully wholey completely. Moving on.

So Anyway (after that insanely long aside), Save the Last Dance really gets to me (my heart aches), because it's so analagous to my JE experience (in the movie, he taught her to dance, J taught me chemistry...get it?). Except mine didn't have the cool ending with him kissing me and me getting into Juliard. Instead, he went to Harvard and I got a good grade on my AP Chem exam. Oh life....why do you treat me so? Why did it take a school of "ugly" girls for me to get some action?

Song recommendation: Keith Sweat, "Twisted" (it's playing on my TDK Digital MixMaster right now. woot woot)

I miss my friends. I miss home. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving. I miss my family. I miss my grandpa. I miss carefree-ness. I miss my blade of grass in the FIU parking lot. I miss my grandma. I miss myself.

And, I didn't write this post in the order it appears.

I have to go hug Oscar now and blow my nose.