Well well well. Where do I begin on this journey of explaining those emotions that run together in my mind and cause me to do the things I do to the very person who once knew me perhaps better than I did; to the one person who believed in who I was when all I wanted was to be exactly the opposite of that?

It's been a long time. And I don't know that my meager abilities with the turn of phrase will be able to tell you what I want to; need to. But you deserve me to try. And I deserve that you read this with an open mind and open heart. (hehe, I always thought it'd be cool to have the noteriety of being mentioned in someone else's weblog, but not for this reason. pangs.)

A letter to one of my best friends in the entire world:

Dear Andymay, (if I may still call you by my favorite nickname)

The most important thing for you to remember and know, is that I love you. I always have and always will, even when I'm being the shitiest a shity friend can be. (Hey Egan [if I may also still call you by my favorite nickname], if you are reading this, please know that the same goes for you. Even though we haven't been close in years and years, you're always in my heart and mind, and I'm always wishing there was some way for me to snap my fingers and make all your pain go away. But alas, I guess that magic finger snap would really just be being a good friend).

I never purposefully distanced our best-friend-ship. I constantly think about you and wonder how you're doing and wish things could be like they were in high school. But they aren't. I'm going to be brutally honest, here, Mandy, and it's probably going to hurt your feelings but I know I have already anyway, so I might as well put it all out there, right? We're completely different people now than we were in high school. (you're thinking, "duh," I know, I know) I feel like our lives are in completely different places right now. I feel like you are at a point in which you are still flirting with so many ideas of what you want to do with your life, which I guess people do their entire lives, but you don't seem to be doing anything to try to get there. You seem to constantly be getting stuck in ruts. You seem to be afraid to leap out on a limb, risk everything for what you want. You've forever talked about going to school in Pennsylvania. But all you think about is money. And granted, it's hard to do things in life without money, but you're young - you don't have money now, and unless you get an education, you're going to continue working menial jobs that won't bring you enough money to get out of your current situation, so why not fuck it all, go to school full time and finish, go into debt, and get a higher paying job that will allow you to change your station in life. You put everyone else's needs ahead of your own, without demanding what you need or even want. I like Erich alot as a person, Mandy, but I don't like what being with him does to you -- and it's not his fault. It's your own mentality. It's your own fear of losing him that makes you pander to him, follow him around like a lost puppy dog, and go crawling back to him [i think] because you are too afraid of what your life will be like without him, since he's the one constant you seem to have in your life. You are constantly angry/frustrated with your parents and don't want to be there. But I think that you could learn alot from your parents. Like, what not to do. Sure, it all has worked out for them and that's awesome, and I love Donna and Richard as much as if they were my own parents, but I think that they would probably wish a different start to life for you - they seem to have worked so hard their whole lives to give you and myles all they could, and now you're not going anywhere! It's true, I am disappointed in you. But that doesn't mean that I don't want to be your friend or help you or anything. But it's so hard for me to be cheery around you when I see you six months after the last time I saw you and I see youre in the same place, mentally, emotionally...I feel like I can't talk to you anymore, like you wouldn't care about the stuff I have to say because it's all about school. And I feel almost guilty for talking about it sometimes too, because I don't want to make you feel bad or left out or regretful. But school is my life right now - when you're at a full time college, that is life. And I don't want to bore you with that when i know you have bills to pay and your boyfriend to pour your entire life into. After reading this, you're probably going to say that I just don't understand, that I'm ignorant to how hard your life is. But Mandy, it's what you make of it. Maybe society dealt you a harder hand to play, but that doesn't mean it's an automatic loss. If you put your mind to something, I know you can do it. I have complete confidence in you.

Another reason I feel awkward around you now a days is because I think you are anorexic. Maybe bulimic (but I've never seen you throw up, so I'm doubtful on this one). You never eat. You never exercise and yet you've lost like 35 pounds. When you do eat, it's like one pretzel a day. And because I'm a wimp and couldnt ask you about it in person because i was afraid you'd freak out on me, it made me not want to hang out with you. if i ignored it was there, i couldnt feel guilty for not saying something. i really do think that you are unhealthy. and i hate that you smoke, because i care about you so much and i know you know how awful for you it is. and i feel like you only do it because erich and your other friends do and so youve just caved into the peer pressure. my grandma smokes too, and i hate it too. but i always yell at her for it, but i feel like you'll get really mad at me if i say something to you, and then i hate being around myself around you because im not being me - i'm treading carefully, not saying whats really on my mind, and where's the friendship in that? i want to be able to tell you anything, share everything with you. i want to call you every three weeks and not get yelled at for not calling you more often. you have to understand that we're different kinds of people. just because i love you and consider you my best friend, doesn't mean i can not do my homework, study, and take care of stuff here too to talk to you everyday...it's harder and busier here than you think, and it makes me mad when you get soooo mad at me for doing this. it's not personal. it's who i am - everyone yells at me for not keeping in touch better- mom,dad,hanson,danny, everyone. it's who i am. and if you want to be my friend, too, you have to love me for who i am too, and work with me and my personality, just like i try to do with you. you making me feel guilty for being who i am makes me want to call you even less- why call someone who's just going to make you feel like a piece of human trash??

i think that's all for now. i'm sure i've completely pissed you off, but i just want you to understand my point of view. and you may consider me on your evil list, but i still (and will always) consider you one of my bestest friends, because you've taught me more about life, myself, other people, relationships, the world,music...everything...than anyone else ever has or ever could and i will always value what we had (and what i think we still have/can have) and will always think about you and will always still assume that on that far off day when i want ot get married that you will automatically be my maid of honor. i love you, mandy, from the very bottom of my heart, and hope that your frustration with my behavior this summer (which i should also address quickly: all of the above, and the fact that i had class everyday and spent the night at my grandma's twice a week and wasnt even around and so when i was i wanted to hang with my parents and the fact that i was mildly saddened because i missed jody and because when i hung out with hanson and danny i didn't constantly have to worry about what we were going to do that wouldn't involve money and, well, i'm sorry but at the same time i wish you would have understood more) can be overcome so that our friendship won't unravel so dramatically...we're still going to someday own a whole block together, right? :)

with much love,
your biznatch,
jen