I just finished watching The One with Emily. It's this super-cheesy romantic comedy with Andy from Dawson's Creek. I feel all warm and bubbly and gooey inside. I don't know why people say that they don't like Valentine's Day; I really like feeling like the whole world is full of love, joy, warmth, giddyness, happiness, and cheer. I like feeling like I can give all of that to someone else, can make someone else smile and feel like their world has a little more sunshine in it than before. I also really like having someone else make me feel like I am special, matter, and important to them. I like feeling loved.

But back to the movie. It was so hard to want it to end happily, because that would mean that the girl would have to break off her engagement, but it turned out ok because the guy was stupid and didn't really care about the girl, so the caterer guy really deserved her. I like the idea of "the one": that everyone has someone else in the world; the idea of soulmates is simultaneously comforting and terrifying. To worry about the whatifs - whatif you don't meant the one in your lifetime, but they're still some where out there?! And how do you know you're with the one? How do you know not to leave what you have because it's the best you'll ever get? Sometimes I wish life were like a book, that I could just flip forward a couple chapters and see that my life's going to turn out ok, turn out with a happy ending, turn out with love and a nice house with the high ceilings and waterfront property I've always dreamed of :) It would make all this in-between stuff so much easier to deal with, to shrug off and ignore. Just to know that I'm going to be loved.

But why is that so important? Why do I think that I need to "be loved" to have a fulfilling life? Why am I so afraid of being alone for the majority of my life, afraid of being my own best company? Afraid of being too intimidating, too something. I just don't know...

Maybe it's because of the images we're inundated with in society, on tv...everyone's who's happy has a partner. Is married. I saw A Wedding Story on TLC at 1:30 this morning and it was about Paige Davis, the host of Trading Spaces, and her wedding. I went to bed feeling so genuinely happy inside, thinking about that *someday* when I too will be able to know what it feels like to know that you are totally, completely, and utterly consumed by love; to pick out a cake, a dress...I hope these thoughts are all just a product of V-day approaching, because I don't want to have to seriously think about any of that for another (at least!) three years. Oye.

So. Until then, what to do? Just go along with life, I guess. I just want to be happy.