Nothing seems to matter any more. My senses have been deadened to avoid overemotion. Look, I can't even write compound sentences anymore. I've turned into a reductionist with my life, boiling things down to the simplest they can be so as to prevent myself from thinking or feeling too much.
And then, tonight, the wall felt a chisel upon its blocks. And I could barely contain my sadness, anger, nerves, frustration, excuses from myself. I can't help but see through myself.
My dog died. I don't even know what date. 3 weeks ago? My mom didn't tell me for a week. (I can use my tears to clean my desk) It hurts so much, but it's silly. I feel myself crying for every bad thing that's ever happened in my life. Like Sandi, the keeper of all my secret thoughts, longings, dreams, sorrows, Sandi, who always lent me her fuzzy ear to listen to me no matter what I was saying, just layed there in my lap or by my side, it's as if when she died she left me all alone with all these thoughts, she left me alone without a confidant who wouldn't judge me. Sandi, grandpa jerry, not seeing grandma laura, my dad, resentment, high school frustrations, not being there for her these past 4 years, not being there for my mommy when she didn't have anyone but Sandi. She was such a good doggy. Now I've got a job and I'm not going to be able to go home. When all I really want in this instance is to go home. There's nothing left here that I care about. What's the point? I let down something very important to me tonight, but that's been happening a lot lately because I'm not a very good
person. I can pretend pretty well most of the time, but when it comes down to it, I'm really not. I don't have any excuse other than that life was too much for me, and I needed to retreat from it. I needed to escape in my own little way, to be withdrawn from everything. Not that it much mattered, but.
I have so much to do and I just don't want to do any of it. I can't keep track of the date anymore. I don't have any motivation to do anything. And I have no freedom because I have no car and that makes me angry. It makes me even angrier that I don't even have time in my humdrum days,weeks,months to do something about it. I feel dirty, like I'm taking advantage of the people around me.
i've let so many people down.i wish i could make music.
i'm so scared. i'm afraid i won't be good enough, i'm afraid to be all alone, i'm afraid that i wont ever follow my dreams of helping the earth. i'm afraid i'm not doing what i'm supposed to, i'm afraid i'm burning my bridges, i'm afraid hurting people.
i just want to be done.
i just dont know how to make this stop, and make me feel like i used to. i dont know how to feel like i matter again, to myself. i dont know how to
I'm moving through the day like a ghost, going through the motions, not really feeling anything. Slipping
