i can't even write.

you didn't call. all day. there's no excuse for ignoring your only daughter. tonight.

sometimes, you make me cry. and make me hate you.

sometimes, i think it'd be okay if you weren't there, but then i remember all the other times you weren't there, all those other times you told me you cared and it was just lip service. my teacher cared more tonight than you did. but, it's just one night, just one more thing in my life, right. not like it matters anyway, right? There'll be others. that you won't see either.

i was doing so well, and now my fingers can't even type the words my eyes are crying out. why do you always do this to me. it's not fair. all the other girls with their moms and parents and happy and family and bonding and me with no one. at all. no one who was there just for me, to be proud and excited for me, and to be my mother. no one. i dont know that ill be able to forgive you this time. its not fair that i sit here in my room crying to where i feel like im going to throw up, racked with sobs, wanting to die and you probably asleep already. fine then.

goodbye.

So I was on the pot tonight (um, that's the toilet), just a slight reprieve from the world (sadly, I haven't gotten any new magazines lately to entertain me), and into my head popped, "Ha! That silly Livejournal thing. You have to pick a mood, a smily/frowny face that bobs its eyes around like a maniacle lawn man on his power mower, and of course your coolness is judged based on the music you say you're listening to at that moment, and you have to make a witty title for the random thoughts which will pour out about several topics, none of which will coincide or can be cohesively summed up in a few words. I mean, really. Who do these Livejournal people think they are?!" Ugh. Precisely. It's just too much pressure.

Whereas here, I feel like I can just be, well, Still Jenny from the Block. Woot Woot.

And that, ladies and gents, is the thought for today.

Countdown to VM: 4 days.
Nervousness level: eh? nerves? what are they, dawg?! ha! I eat nerves for breakfast! Rarrr
Excitement level: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH

That is all for now. (But just know, if I were stuck in the world of Livejournal (sorry Andymay :) hehe) then the music I would write down is Walkin' in Memphis by ?, Flake by Jack Johnson, and Maroon 5; my smily face would be super smiley and bouncing up and down, and my title would be, "Damn, it feels good be a gangsta." Yea. Check it.)

Do not despair! According to the official Haloscan webpage:

"We're doing some work on the server and will have the site restored soon. Thanks for your patience.

Update We have found that the cause of the recent problems with the service were caused by a hardware failure in the database server. We are working to replace that server completely but in the meantime we have a backup loaded. No comments have been lost but we have temporarily disabled the posting of comments to the server until we have the database server replaced. Everything should be resolved and running by Tuesday at the latest. Sorry about the problems and thanks for your patience as we resolve this matter."

Aaaahhhh. So, all one of you who wanted to post something (and absolutely rock my world and tempt me to take my shirt off and spin it around my head like a helicopter) yesterday/today you (aka "Mandy") must try again tomorrow. hehe Thanks favorite poopie head :)

Today's rehearsal was awesome. We practiced in the Ferst Center (where the production is actually happening Saturday) so it served to calm my nerves to stare out at the sea of red velour seats; it's really just a big room with lots of chairs, right? No big deal. No way that many people fit in the room. At least, that's what I'm going to keep forcing myself to think until Saturday. Also, I started to really feel the play, getting to stand up there with all these other dynamic women behind me, bouncing words and power and emotion off each other, back and forth, like a game of verbal basketball. I feel amazing on stage - I'm definitely not the best person on that stage, but when the lines are flowing off my tongue, standing on that stage, just like I imagine in the last few minutes before I'm lulled to sleep at night, it's incredible - nothing else in the world matters, I can't feel my toes or fingers or nose; I just know they're all there and doing what they're supposed to. I trust my heart to keep beating and my lungs to keep breathing. I'm in the moment, the moment is me and I am speaking. Words. I am that fifteen year old, that seventh grader, and yet I am still me. Wow. It's like how I used to feel for those fifteen minute intervals of talking to judges at the State Science Fair; that feeling when I heard my name called after hearing, "First in Environmental Sciences goes to"...wow I'm a dork :)

Anywho, I'm excited nontheless. I only wish my parents could be there. Rarrrrr I hate...well...the usual: silly, stupid, nonsensical, unfair beaurocracy.

Now I have to go prepare for Tuesday. I have ten minutes.

Yippee! The commenting works again! You spin me right round baby right round like record.

Too bad my car still doesn't. Eh.

Today was good. I went to Borders (but didn't get to snuggle in any foreign, comfy chairs) and picked up a book by Sedaris, Naked, and Sweet Home Alabama, the two specific things I went in there to get. I knew if I let myself look around I'd never have gotten back before it got dark. :) What's going to be great about the Sedaris "book" is that it's really a collection of short stories that are hilarious (I have another of his collections, Me Talk Pretty One Day that had me rolling in the aisles of the plane on my ride back to Atl after X-mas break), and so I don't have to worry about starting it, getting overloaded with work and having to put it down for 2 months; instead, I can read a couple stories before bedtime. Ahh, I'm excited.

Countdown to VM: 6 days
To do until then:

INTA test

Engineering Econ test

MSE 2001 test

usual Nique stuff

fill out 3 applications

breath

AAAAAHHHHHHH!!! And yet, I'm not worried. Yet. The world is still good.

Goodnight all. Instead of preparing for any of the above, I'm going to go read from my new book. Eh.

Rarrr. So my haloscan web commenting seems to be experiencing some technical difficulties, but hopefully their server will be functioning again soon and stop making my head hurt. garrrr. :)

Alas. Not like anyone comments, anyway.

V-day yesterday was a pleasant surprise: we went to a Thrashers hockey game with Molly and Daniel (they met at a hockey game a little over a year ago) and then watched part of My Big Fat Greek Wedding. It was low-key and relaxing, just like I wanted. And, of course, I got chocolate - but the best kind, this big heart full of m&ms, none of that filled stuff. And a stuffed puppy dog :)

I can't believe our VM performance is exactly a week from today - I'm starting to get scared. Aaaaah! I hope I remember everything I'm supposed to. And! Oye! My car is dead, I discovered Thursday. Just to add more stress onto everything else. Know what I want to do more than anything right this very instant? Go to Borders, get a David Sedaris book, curl up in a foreign, big, comfy chair that I hold no obligation to and that asks nothing of me (like to instead hold an INTA book in my lap and study). How sweet life would be.

If you use them, words will free you.

To party tonight or not? Hum. Emily invited me to go to some *fraternity* party but I kinda feel like being lame and watching Notting Hill when it comes on ABC tonight. Or something. We shall see...

it's not only rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise that moves us along.

so. some tears later, and things are still the same. or are they?

You don't even know how many times I thought about you that night, or how many times I wanted to call but was scared because I thought you'd yell at me, or not want to talk, or something. I don't know. It's not going to work out this time, is it?

The way she feels about me has changed. Thanks for playing, try again. How could I forget? Mamma said to think before speaking.
I'm never speaking up again, it only hurts me. I'd rather be a mystery than she desert me. Oh I'm never speaking up again, starting now.
One more thing, why is it my fault? So maybe I try too hard, it's all because of this desire. Just wanna be liked, just wanna be funny, looks like the jokes on me, so call me Captian Backfire, oh no another social casualty. --jm

I jsut don't understand. This always happens around eventful times...maybe the bond just isn't strong enough anymore. Why did you mess with forever?

I'm sorry I didn't call when you got hurt. I'm sorry I expected something for Friday. I'm sorry I'm selfish. I'm sorry I don't let you sink into your depression and push the world away. I'm sorry. Maybe I don't want to have to be sorry any more. Maybe I want to be able to expect things, common niceties, maybe I want to ignore you for a while and be able to not think about what I'm doing wrong. Maybe I don't want to be with you anymore. Maybe all my fantasies of love are mired in ignorance, idiocity, and lies.

Maybe we're through, and maybe I won't cry about it because I'm sad, but because I'm scared that it's what I actually want this time.

I'm sorry.

I smelled you today.
and I smiled,
because in your fresh Bath and Bodyworks scent
I found comfort.
I clung to your skin
just to sniff.

I love you.

I just finished watching The One with Emily. It's this super-cheesy romantic comedy with Andy from Dawson's Creek. I feel all warm and bubbly and gooey inside. I don't know why people say that they don't like Valentine's Day; I really like feeling like the whole world is full of love, joy, warmth, giddyness, happiness, and cheer. I like feeling like I can give all of that to someone else, can make someone else smile and feel like their world has a little more sunshine in it than before. I also really like having someone else make me feel like I am special, matter, and important to them. I like feeling loved.

But back to the movie. It was so hard to want it to end happily, because that would mean that the girl would have to break off her engagement, but it turned out ok because the guy was stupid and didn't really care about the girl, so the caterer guy really deserved her. I like the idea of "the one": that everyone has someone else in the world; the idea of soulmates is simultaneously comforting and terrifying. To worry about the whatifs - whatif you don't meant the one in your lifetime, but they're still some where out there?! And how do you know you're with the one? How do you know not to leave what you have because it's the best you'll ever get? Sometimes I wish life were like a book, that I could just flip forward a couple chapters and see that my life's going to turn out ok, turn out with a happy ending, turn out with love and a nice house with the high ceilings and waterfront property I've always dreamed of :) It would make all this in-between stuff so much easier to deal with, to shrug off and ignore. Just to know that I'm going to be loved.

But why is that so important? Why do I think that I need to "be loved" to have a fulfilling life? Why am I so afraid of being alone for the majority of my life, afraid of being my own best company? Afraid of being too intimidating, too something. I just don't know...

Maybe it's because of the images we're inundated with in society, on tv...everyone's who's happy has a partner. Is married. I saw A Wedding Story on TLC at 1:30 this morning and it was about Paige Davis, the host of Trading Spaces, and her wedding. I went to bed feeling so genuinely happy inside, thinking about that *someday* when I too will be able to know what it feels like to know that you are totally, completely, and utterly consumed by love; to pick out a cake, a dress...I hope these thoughts are all just a product of V-day approaching, because I don't want to have to seriously think about any of that for another (at least!) three years. Oye.

So. Until then, what to do? Just go along with life, I guess. I just want to be happy.

Goodness comes in bursts. The past two days have been quite possibly some of the coolest in the past two semesters. First of all, I am very proud of myself for not succombing to the melancholy, fear, and sadness that usually accompanies the occasional Tuesday. Instead, I rocked the face off my interview and got runner-up for the Semmes, which comes along with a sweet $5,000. My daddy im'd me: "HI Jen- Congradulations on winning the scholorship. I heard from mom that you came in 2nd but in my book your number one.
Good going
Love
Dad" :)

I found that out Wednesday, in the middle of getting thermo help from my TA. How do you concentrate on Rankine cycles after a phone call like that, really? It was Tony's 21st birthday so after deadline we went out to Charlie G's, a fun pub in midtown. The other three proceeded to get a little (err, a lot) drunk and provided me with much entertainment. It was a real confidence booster, the whole day. Sometimes it's really nice to get a kick in the face saying that you are worthy, that people value what you do and respect you for it. It feels good to feel liked. We talked about editor for next year, but that's too much to think about now...

Today I got another two kicks of joy. I found out I got a 105/100 on my eng econ test last week, which might not seem like a big deal since it's a cake class, but I feel like a need some redemption, some revenge in the econ field. Yea. Even better the past couple of days though, has been the sprout. Intense, incredible, amazing, I can't stop smiling. I don't even know why or when or how things took a change for the much much better, but I'm glad they have. I hope this high lasts for a while...but I do have a dynamics test tomorrow, so I should probably go study even though there's a million things swimming in my head that I want to write down. I want to remember this feeling, chronicle it, document it so that I can look back and remember what sheer joy looks like.

Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta.

Ah.

Yo yo yo. So Biffy just exposed me to a new group to enhance my musical repetoire, Maroon 5. I like it mucho. It's very rare in this day and age (because I'm fifty, you know) that you hear something really good and quality and enjoyable for more than five minutes and that sounds unique, like nothing else. Prolly because the radio doesn't play that sort of stuff. Ahhh I feel this immediate liking for this music. Ahhhh again.

Life has been strange, yet peaceful, relaxing, and fulfilling lately. Maybe the strange part is that it's been all of that at once. I found out this week that I'm a finalist for the Semmes scholarship, this ten grand-er that would awesome to win. I'd feel like a fishy full of fishy food; that good. :)

So the other parts of it, the parts that have made it strange, are inherently difficult to write about because I haven't really let myself think that much lately, what with this thing called school and all, and so I don't really know what I think. I feel like a good student this semester so far (I think?), and I feel almost like I'm making a difference in my world (I'm not conceited enough to think I've made a difference in anyone else's yet, though...maybe that's not conceit because I wouldn't call people like MLK conceited, maybe it's just a product of true success and you just know when it happens. yea.) slowly, but I can feel my personal progress, and it's been good. I like myself more and more, and am coming to grips with what I don't like and trying to be proactive about changing those things. That's life, though, right? That constant change, that constant search, constant quest to be something more. There's still so much more I want to do... ruff. ruff.

I feel like I'm learning. Finally.

"I know I don't know you/But I want you so bad/Everyone has a secret/But can they keep it?/Oh No, they can't" --That new rock-my-world-band, Maroon 5

Peace ya'll.
Oh, and next time I have to write about my gripes with Danny. Rarrrr.