I'm nervously embarking upon reading a certain oft-recommended book. Why nervously? That's what I'm thinking.

The computer messed up towards the end of my last post, hence the drop-off mid-thought. I'm thinking about other things, now, so maybe I'll go back to the interesting boy in the library later.

A combination of events have occured since I've been home to force me to think, over and over, about death (aaa- not my own!) and the fine, fine line between life and death. (Also the fine, fine line between sanity and insanity, but that's for later) Sure, scientifically it's a pretty simple definition (or is it - how do breathing apparatus and such fit in? but I'm not thinking of medical side of this question, more the philosophical and day-to-day effects of life on others), but beyond breathing versus not, what is it to truly live?

I feel frustrated, almost angry, at my parents for their aches and pains, their excuses and not-so-silent, oh-woe-is-me, this-isn't-really-audible sighs. They're not that old, and lots of times it seems like they use their hurts just as an excuse not to do things, to be lazy, to put blame on one another for not doing the things they don't want to do...aaaa. It drives me crazy and has made this trip home mostly stressful and angst-filled. Feeling this way towards my parents makes me feel guilty, though, that I could be so un-compassionate (and reminds me of a particular car ride with my mom while my dad was away when she bawled and told me that she must have raised me wrong because I was so unfeeling and had such a cold heart) towards the people I love the most in the world. I guess it normally doesn't matter as much on shorter trips home because then we don't have the same time together, the sort of time that calls for making plans together to do all the sorts of family-ish things we've "always talked about doing." Like camping in the Everglades. Or using the canoe (this is an entirely different issue I have with my parents: their ability to spend money on things like a canoe and bikes, things they NEVER use yet claim to when I call them out on it, things that make for good outdoorsy active family fun, things that we never make use of because they're in pain. Their backs hurt. Their feet hurt. SELL THE STUPID CANOE!! STOP BUYING ACCESSORIES FOR IT. YOU DON'T USE IT. Actually, don't sell it. I'll use it when I move to LA.) I get sad because they get me all excited about doing stuff together, and I hold out on making plans with my friends (though there's a whole other issue, my inability to effectively communicate with people I care about through long distances) because WUHOO we're going to do something fun as a family and I want to take as much advantage of being able to spend time with my family as I can. And then. We don't. Do anything.

Aaaaaa!

So it comes down to it, where's the line? Where do I give up on pushing my two entirely unhealthy and in-need-of-activity parents to do fun things that have good health side effects, and just agree to sit in front of the TV all day? Besides just spending time together, and all the frustrations I have with that, I also try to encourage them to move around, but that idea faces the same uphill battle. I don't want to just give up and say, well, you're dying anyway who cares? because they're my parents! I want to make the most of the time we have together (hopefully another 40 years) but at the same time I know that that time won't be as long as if we did certain things now. How do I manage to enjoy whatever it is we do now, without getting caught up in anger, to prevent getting even more frustrated that I didn't enjoy the time we did spend?

I'm going crazy. I've been trying to log into webmail for the past 35 minutes, to no avail. ALL I REALLY WANT TO DO IS SEND THIS ONE STUPID EMAIL. JUST ONE. JUST RETURN THIS ONE EMAIL. Whew, had to get that out. I hate when the man keeps me down and prevents me from checking things to do off my Things To Do list.

Since Friday, I've filled my mind with mush and I feel like I can't form understandable sentences anymore (well, off the top of my head, anyway. I have to think specifically about each item I'd like to say, to repeat it over and over in my mind, taste it in my mouth, kind of mouth it, gum it, for a while to ensure that what I'm saying is an accurate representation of what my mind thinks it's thinking, that the words actually mean what my mind is telling me they mean. In gumming the phrases, I'm testing if they feel like that meaning is supposed to feel, do they shape my lips in such a way that I'm used to that meaning shaping them? It's like I've lost all confidence in my linguist abilities. Or maybe just in my thought abilities, having not been forced to use them for a little while now.)

I've watched the following movies:

• Spanglish (really, really good, heartfelt movie)


• Nat'l Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (a classic)


• Goodbye Lennin (German movie; really, really good)


• School of Rock (eh. doesn't deserve the hype)


• The Italian Job (woof. pretty good for an action movie)


• The Matrix Revolutions (the third in the Matrix series; just as trite and filled with cliches as the second one, made for a good laugh)


• House of Sand and Fog (eh. The book, which both my mom and I read last year before the movie came out, was incredibly good, though incredibly sad. The movie, however, was incredibly sloooow and mediocre. It did manage to raise the same thought provoking questions that made the book so good, like questions of fault, blame, responsibility, fragility of human life, the delicate line of lunacy and sanity and who detemines where the line stands in particular instances.)


• Miracle (haven't finished this one yet, but so far I'm glad I only borrowed it from the library and didn't pay to see it)

I've also kept myself busy starting to read Tom Wolfe's new behemouth of a book, I am Charlotte Simmons. It's a story that should take 300 less pages to tell, drags on interminably in parts, and is not nearly as entertaining as the reviews made it out to be. I kind of just want to finish all 700 pages just because I'm "not a quitter."

I've got a stack of other books waiting to be read on my desk, too, from our family trip to the Broward "We're the 6th largest library system in the country" County Library. When we were checking out Sunday afternoon, there was this boy who looked to be about 20, wandering around the first floor. He had on a bomber jacket from the early '90s and was humming his own tune, kind of dancing around to it. It was clear that he might have been missing a few links in his chain,

In the car on the ride back from SkIO, able to see a broad swatch of stars lining the heavens, I thought about how much the sky looked freckled by its shining spots; and for some reason, I felt better about my own freckles. Not that I was ever that self-conscious about them, but it's still a cool feeling to see yourself in the sky.

How I spent my Winter Vacation
by Jenny

Ha, ok, so the way in which I've spent the last two days of my winter holiday hasn't been what you'd call typical, but it wasn't as far-out there as it could have been, either. Along with my research professor and another member of his lab group, we drove down to Skidaway island (a barrier island off the coast of Georgia, just a smidge south of Savannah, and filled with marsh land) to test the lander I helped design and constructed. I had an awesome time, partially because school was over for the year and Christmas is quickly approaching, so how could I not be relaxed and excited, but also because I was finally getting to see my hard work in action, doing its thing.

On the way down, I consumed myself with reading The Rule of Four, a book similar to The Da Vinci Code that I borrowed from Jonathan (my take: fairly good book, better before the end, which was a let-down after the quality of the beginning and middle; nowhere near the greatness that is Dan Brown's book in both conception and writing style). Once there, we assembled the lander, tested it for balance, and then went off to West Marine to get extra parts and go to dinner in downtown Savannah. One of the funniest parts of the trip happened when we were checking out at W.M. and the guy behind the counter heard us "arguing" (we were debating which configuration would be better to connect the lander to the A-frame on the ship) and offered his advice, "I'm a family therapist, if you need any help -- just talk things out now, guys, and listen to dad."

Hahahahaha

I was curious about who he thought me and the other girl were - the professor's wife and kid, kids, wife and girlfriend...

Anyway, the Skidaway Institute of Oceanography (where we stayed and deployed the lander) was beautiful (though very cold), and very much like La Selva and San Luis. So I'm conviced that all biological-type research stations in the field are essentially the same. I did learn, though, that the local Savannah NPR station broadcasts from SkIO grounds. Ooooo.

It's an interesting feeling, to be surrounded by world-reknowned oceanographers and geochemists, to know that you're in the middle of what will guide tomorrow's scientific thought. At the same time, though, it's mildly depressing since you're also aware of how little is being accomplished, in the grand scheme of things. This is why I couldn't devote my life to research - you spend countless years of your life working on one small piece of the puzzle, important in the bigger picture as that one small piece is, without getting to explore the larger context.

Tuesday we ran some experiments with dropping the lander in the water, and though one part didn't work (the battery we were using didn't provide enough amperage for the solenoid to trigger), overall it was a success. It was cool to be the "mechanical engineer" in the group; when the professor introduced me to the other scientists working there, they all kind of looked at me with some cross between awe, like they were staring at a different species, and misunderstanding as to why I was there. It was amusing. That's the great part about Tech, though, getting to explore things outside my focus that broaden my understanding of that bigger picture that I always seem to be chasing.

Now, packed up to go home for the break, excited about the upcoming bowl game, and eagerly anticipating Christmas, I sign off with hopes of being able to update with a dial-up connection at home. Until then, Happy Holidays, world!

Testing the lander I've worked on since Fall 2003 at the Skidaway Institute of Oceanography.

Tonight my roommates and I went on an expedition in search of our skeletal systems. We poked. We proded. And we eventually discovered where our ovaries are located (lower mid-abdomen). And that bone that sticks out on the side? Hip bone. (connected to the leg bone, leg bone's connected to the foot bone...hmmm mm mmm hmhmh..)

I never realized how little our vestigial tail is, or how curved my spine is. Or how much stuff there is between my front and back, organ-wise. I mean, sure, I learned the basics in high school health class too, but that was four years ago! Anyway, back to studying....

Maggiano's last night was incredible. Though I'm still full, now, the next day, crazily enough. Maybe that's because I also ate something at Midnight Breakfast afterwards....ugh. 1. more. final. and then it's pure relaxation. I can't wait.

I've discovered this problem I have in studying, that I start to get excited that my final is almost over (within the next 24 hours!!) and then I have trouble concentrating on the studying I have to do before that final starts so that it can be over. It's a pernicious cycle. (Can you tell I'm procrastinating right now?)

Sandi in the backyard.

In true finals week fashion, I found a way to procrastinate for a few minutes here and there until I had completely reformatted my blog. I'm still getting used to it, not quite sure that I like this new sidebar on the right (as opposed to the left, where it was before), or the bright colors and white background. Somehow, with the deep blue background of the previous journal, it seemed that my writings were shrouded in mystery and just that much more thoughtful...snarf! or that no one could read it because it was so dark it almost disappeared into the screen! no?

i'm moving into a new semester though. a new time in my life. i'm cleaning out my closets. or maybe just my blog will do. and how about my nifty new addition of pictures? True!

I love thinking of you. And I love that I think of you so often, in that warm, bittersweet, cheesy, happy way all at once. In that way that looks forward to the future while simultaneously feeling reminded about the past.

I've never felt so relaxed about finals as I do this week, and it's great. I have three tests, none especially challenging that will require extra-ordinary studying; I find myself simply enjoying my surroundings and being excited about the upcoming holiday break: spending time with Jody, Kristen, and Barby, and the with my family and friends. Plus, I have a really long list of books that I want to read while at home (I heart Broward County Public Libraries).

Back to "studying." Oh, and Go GT Yellow Jacket Basketball! Woot.

Dreaming of: pineapple rooms, buying furniture and art to adorn my walls, painting my very own walls, well-cooked meals in nice cookware in a nicely appointed kitchen, business casual, the French quarter's seafood.