You know how sometimes, there are those movies you see that when you wake up the next morning, you feel simultaneously refreshed and it's as if a new color is shading the walls around you, and as if you saw the movie over and over again in your mind as you slept? 50 First Dates left me feeling as if I could bawl, for the sheer glory of it all, of life. For the longing in my heart to live on the water; for the intense love I know; for my want to make things good; for the sadness of thinking that somewhere out there on this planet there are actual people who have memory problems who lose themselves every night. Who wake up each morning feeling the excitment of a new day, but it's a day everyone around them knows they've already lived over and over before. I googled "short term memory loss" and couldn't find anything resembling Lucy's problem in the movie, but I guess that doesn't mean it doesn't really exist. What a wonderful night of being a real human being again, not just a task do-er routine follower.

Good movies have the power to make you feel. That's one of the best sensations in the world, to know emotions, to know your own heart beat, to know your tears and how they fall.

Interesting week. It's always nice to have days when I'm too busy to really think, and then it's nice to have time alone, quiet, with the door shut to wonder what's going to happen in less than twelve months.

Our lives change so rapidly, chugging along slowly without any noticeable differences and then all of a sudden, you look back at the last six months of your life and you realize how much has grown -- your mind, your thought process, your outlook, your love. It still feels like just yesterday that I was going to FIU with Dr. Van Hamme. (*sigh* Belgians! *sigh*)

I feel like I've redeemed myself in my intro INTA class. I skipped class a couple of times and went to see the professor after the last test (I got a high B...sniff...it's 1110! c'mon Jen!) and was kind of called out on not being in class, so when I got my grade back today I was both relieved (96, buddy!) and slightly disappointed. I hate when I do well after putting forth little effort, because then I still don't feel like I deserve it and it makes me worry that I'll be adversely conditioning myself to not study very hard for tests if I do better on them when I'm not as dedicated to the class. Oh the paradox!

Sometimes I question why I put up with certain behavior, both in myself and in certain people around me. That's all.

Today: "I tried to think, if I was Jen, what would I put in the email subject? And I thought to myself, I think I'd put 'You are special. Smiley face.' "

Excellent, really. No, thank you.

I miss meaningful sleep. The kind of sleep you anticipate, look forward to all afternoon; the kind of sleep that calls to me from the bed in whispers and screams.

Goodnight world.

Asheville was super coolio. It is definitely a hippie town, replete with little coffeeshops (pot anyone? oops, I mean, pot of coffee anyone?), funky college-aged people with dreadlocks and beanies, and map shops. Yes! A cartographic center of the south! Ha.

The best parts of the trip were, of course, the non-actual-formal-dance parts, meaning that the daytime, touring the Biltmore and its grounds, were excellent: educational, informative, historic, entertaining, filled with nature (so many rolling hills and babbling brooks! to be cliched for a moment)...Friday night was fun too, with a slightly different version of "Never have I ever" played with something like 35 people in a cramped hotel room. One of the funniest parts of the weekend were the sound effects coming from the other bed in our room. Sexual activities were being partaken in whole-heartedly, and we heard every bit of it. Yes, that was just great...except not at all. Outrageously funny to tell everyone about the next day, though. Made trying to fall asleep through it worth it. Sigh.

I feel strangely relaxed, given all I have to do. I'm fine with relaxation, though. Bring it on.

Dear Concerned Citizens (esp. one Ms. K. H.),

Do not despair; this young lass (lad? now that's concerning) has no intentions of ending her breathing existence. Instead, she will be departing from the illogic of reality and retreating into the sparkling sharpness of fulfilling her dreams.

Sincerely,
Jen

P.S. Thank you, K -- I appreciate your worry, becuase if it had meant what you thought it had, you would have been the only one to save me :)

Dear World,

Thank you very much for having me these past 20 years; I appreciate your hospitality. However, it is with great sadness that I must go now, and lead my own life, one in which you do not dictate me daily motions and thoughts. If you would like to reach me (please don't), you may do so by contacting my dreams, which is where I'll be residing from now on.

Thanks again and have a nice eon,
Jen

Last Friday I spent an enjoyable 8 hours or so in the MRDC computer lab with my 3056 lab partner, writing our Lab 5 report. We got together Sunday and Tuesday, too, to check over things and turn in the report.

I get stressed about really silly things -- our report was 20 pages, so a standard staple was having trouble securing all the pages and the little prongs barely poked through the last page. My lab partner insisted it was a-ok, which I'm sure in the end it will be, but I got very flustered as we hurridly pushed the report through the little receptacle slot in the wall. Worst case scenarios flashed through my mind -- oh gosh, we should have put a header on it with out names. we should have found a better stapler. we should have....and I got annoyed with myself for working myself up over nothing, really. It took until the end of Mechatronics, when my mind was filled with brushes and commutators, for me to feel somewhat relaxed again. Oye!

Since I took the time to do lots of homework over the weekend, the week has been pretty good. I haven't had much to worry about, school wise, except the usual busy-ness. I had a very frustrating conversation Sunday. What's made me the most sad about this conversation is that it has stuck with me -- I haven't been able to brush it off, take it for the grain of salt it was meant to be. It has negatively affected some friendships that I thought were near indestructible. Worse, it makes me regret decisions made earlier in the semester. Alas, you live and learn, right, and there's no point to regrets. That's always been my soapbox, right? No regrets, because then you're not really living your life in the present. I feel the need to constantly defend myself when I'm in my room, I feel like I'm constantly being judged as a bad person...it makes me hurt inside. How eloquent, Jen.

On the other hand, I've been able to hang out with a great friend more this week. We went shopping on Tuesday for formal dresses. Dress shopping is such a strange social convention. Its so very hard to please myself in being a girl, or in doing girl-ish things. *Too tight*too short*not short enough*whoa boobs aren't supposed to show there*is that MY skin?*when did I start to look like an elephant?*is this going to fall down?*is this supposed to be here?

In the end, a perfect dress found me and we made plans for the next two weekends. DX's formal is in Asheville this weekend and I'm super excited. Very stressed, at the same time, though, since I always have so much work to do.

I know I've said this before, but even though I have more work to do this semester than ever before, I still feel happy. I should call my parents more often, though.

Oh! My lander is in the construction phase!! (Check this out and click on the "research interests link. I'm working on the project listed under current projects) All the aluminum parts finally arrived and this week I began connecting everything. I have learned so much in this process; it's definitely going to benefit me in the "real world," just in the sort of practical, day-to-day engineering knowledge it's given me. If anything, I wish I had more time to just sit back and enjoy this process of design and implementation.

A downside to so much right brain (err, whatever science/analytical/problem solving/math thinking is called) activity is that my left brain feels like it's struggling. Complex sentences that used to come easily, that had the potential to be artistic get all warbled now, and come out in gasps and pants of frustration in pushing out a coherent thought. It's quite bothersome, to feel like the thesaurus in my mind is covered in the permafrost of engineering education.

I hate cenorship! But I also disdain people who purposfully say things they know will hurt other people's feelings, especially in a large crowd. It's devisive, cruel, and immature. People who are holier-than-thou and self-righteous get on my nerves too -- who are you to complain about other people having opinions, regardless of the "trouble" you went through?? Sometimes I worry that this group is moving in the direction the other five have already embraced. I want to be able to come back to Tech and be proud of this group, and not feel ashamed of the superficiality that has become prevalent. Humph. I'm one of the old people now...it's funny, but I really do feel like the youngin's are ignorant to advice and keep trying to reinvent the wheel, to make the same mistakes as their predessors -- what's the point of evolving or trying to be a "leader" if you don't want to ask for help or grow your mindset and way of doing things?

"See I don't
know why
I liked you so much
I gave you all of my trust
I told you
I loved you
Now that's all down the drain...

Fuck what I said, it don't mean shit now.

You thought you could
keep this shit from me
you played me
you even gave him head
now you're asking for me back
you're just another hack
I don't want you back

you questioned did Ii care?
you can ask anyone
I even said you were my great one
now it's all over"
but I do admit I'm sad
it hurts real bad
but I can't sweat it now
'cause I love love."

I love this song.

I was so excited to have the time to finally sit down and write, to expunge my brain. And this is how it always happens: I build up excitement, I open up the laptop (as if it's a gaping mouth waiting to be fed), open blogger, and . And. That's all. I just have this comfortable, ahhhh for a few moments, to think of the words that lie in front of me, waiting for me to grab them and put them in the "new post" window. That's all. Kind of like sex, no? Hmm...I don't know.

I was reading Kristy's blog today (haha and since we have a rule that we never make it known to the other that we read each other's journals, she won't ever bring it up to me that I mentioned her....KAB: at least I didn't link you. haha) and I feel like all my good feelings about her as one of my best friends at Tech are just reaffirmed when I read it; I also feel like I'm meeting a whole new side to her, one that's a good and thoughtful writer. I'm impressed with my friend Kristy, because I always thought she was thoughtful, but it's a completely different talent to be able to express those thoughts adequately. And Kristy, if you are reading this, know that I love you and you mean the world to me. Even if you're ok when friendships aren't like that, I want you to know how much I value you for everything you are to me and to everyone you know.

I need to get away from this Dear Blank thing in my journal. Maybe next week.

Alpacas For Free: yes of course , cuz i just saw your name and was like "Yay! little jen!"
Alpacas For Free: but im not in the mood to type
Alpacas For Free: haha
Alpacas For Free: so i IMd you when i probably shouldnt have.. u ever do that?

Anyway, I got to watch some of my favorite thought-provoking shows tonight, including Everwood. The show was about "the first time," ehem ehem if you know what I mean, and got me thinking about, well, what else? Love and all that jazz. And what it (is supposed to) means.

I get scared really easily (perhaps I could be labeled a commitmentaphobe, but too lazy and introspective to act on my fears), and find myself eager to retreat into the caverns of my mind as soon as life gets busy, stressful, and distracting. This then makes me question all my thoughts on everything; eventually, I drive myself crazy and convince myself that I could do without... and now, two weeks later, I'm consumed, captivated, and relaxed.

I don't want life to be a series of posts aimed for and attained.

Since when did you become

well, life is calling.

goodnight world.

The past four days of Jendom:

Sunday:
3056 Report and 3301 Report; end wakefulness approx. 2:30 am

Monday:
Class, 9-12. Research 12-2:30. Work on 3180 HW with group 2:30-4:45. Pick up lab report 5:00. Newslettering 5:00-7:00. 3056 Report and 3301 Report 7-10. Mini small group 10-11. 3056 and 3301 until 3 am.

Tuesday:
3301 report 7am-9:30. Machine shop safety class 9:30-11. Research 11-1:30. Class and lab (turn in 3301 report) 1:30-6. Technique 6-8. MRDC computer lab for 3056 report 8:30-10; 12-3am. Not done, but go to sleep.

Wednesday:
Miss alarm, wake up at 8am with unfinished report due in 4 hours. Skip 2 classes (give friend HW to turn in in one) to work on 3056 report. Print Report 11:15. Walk to MRDC 11:48. Turn in 3056 report 11:55. 3056 Lab 12-2. Home to shower, bake a cake, and ponder life 2:15-4:30. Technique and Chapter, 5pm-3am. Sleep at 4am.

Life is doing the 100 yard dash while I'm playing in the sand of the long jump. I knew this semester was going to be hard academically, but sheesh. Good thing? I'm not frustrated with the material, not mad at having to do the work; it's a part of learning how to be a mechanical engineer. And that's a good sign, because if I was supposed to be a Public Policy major, I don't think I would still be enjoying my life. I still want to save the planet though, in my spare time. Ha. Ha. :)

I've gotten to like this feeling of floating, not really knowing what's going to come out of your mouth since your brain is only half functioning due to lack of sleep. Kind of like being drunk without the throwing up or being horny. Or something.

The only sad part about the crazy busy life that is 3056 and 3301 is that there's no foreseeable end in sight; there's nothing tangible yet to look forward to, a break, a vacation. And that's the depressing part. That's the part that could make someone not want to care about doing well.

I'm sprinting the 26 mile marathon here.