i miss you, danny.

I was walking down the sidewalk next to SAC fields this afternoon, absent-mindedly fiddling with my walkman as I walked in an attempt to get NPR's Evening Edition to come in clearly (it's times like those that make me really miss home and good ol' 91.3, the NPR station in south Fl that had quality programming all day with a strong signal, and none of that classical music for 20 hours a day. Not that I don't like classical music, it's just that I like Fresh Air with Terry Gross and the Diane Ream Show a whole lot more. Arg.), and I thought to myself, "I feel like writing. I like feeling like writing. It's a good feeling."

And it made me look forward to finally getting to come back to my room, turn on some Counting Crows (aahhhh), and write away. The best is that when I felt this overwhelming urge to purge my thoughts onto a medium other than brain waves bouncing around, I didn't have any specific thingto write about, so now I feel free. There are a couple things I've been thinking about lately, though. One's friendship, and the other's religion. Whoa, momma, talk about some loaded topics. Aw, man. Megan, my roomie, just came in to ask me if I wanted to play softball and I said no and now I regret it, because it might be fun, but I was planning on going to bed in a few minutes. Arg! Maybe I should go.....I feel a little guilty. Eh.

So friendship and religion. I don't really know how to say what I want to say about the first, but as for the latter, we (me, Biff, Ainsley, and Emily) have started a small group at CCF, mostly for Biff and I to learn more. And it's made me feel really comforted but guilty all at the same time, mostly because growing up the Jewish side of my family was always more active in their religion and more positive with their beliefs, whereas the Christian side of the family didn't go to church or teach me anything about it, and so by taking an active interest in christianity, I feel sort of like I'm rejecting half of my family. Is that wrong? All I know is that it makes me really happy to feel like I'm learning. Maybe I shouldn't overanalyze this like I do all things and just take it as it comes. Plus, it's a great time to spend with friends. So that's the other thing - friends. I feel like I haven't been a very good friend lately to my closest friends, those who mean the most to me. I guess it's partially because I feel so swamped in stuff that I just don't want to talk to one more person, have one more thing on my mind (missing them), and by ignoring them I ignore the problem, but in fact I am inadvertantly making it worse. Aye. I don't know why I keep making excuses to myself to not call them -- just how I've gotten really good at making excuses for all sorts of things, to not do things. I am one lazy person.

War, huh? What of that? At first I was adamantly opposed, but after talking with the sprout and having him tell me thoughts I had never really thought before, I think it might not be as awful as I once believed. I still think there might be better ways to go about things (or at least, other pressing problems that should be addressed and not just classified as "regional problems"), but hopefully things will work out best.

Maybe I'm afraid of facing myself and so I ignore those people who mean most...I dunno...

I wanted so badly somebody other than me staring back at me, but you were gone gone gone.

What if they need me?

I wanted to see you walking backwards, get the sensation of you coming home.
I wanted to see you walking away from me, without the sensation that you're leaving me alone.

I want to go back to Europe.

So will you come home, sweet angel? You're leaving me alone, alllllll alone.

When a cloud puffs,
draws close and separates again,
and the sun sparkles in the puddles
just right for splashing through, carefree-like,
I think of you and you
and when we were here and us and shining.

Do you remember those times when you
were late because of tetris?
When I smiled adoringly into your face,
strikingly similar to mine but with
lines of wisdom demarcating your years.
When I laughed and you were the smartest ever.
And now I ignore you too, like them, like the sun.
The days stretch and I forget the weeks
and soon you are someone else who is only
those 15 months in a square grey room.
I wish you were the 18 years before that.

I hope that I get over this before
it's too late for you to be able to forgive me.

Maybe I'm rejecting d because he is home and reminds me of home and times and i dont want to think of them anymore, i feel better without them, i'm not used to having both, not used to having to feel like having to walk on eggshells, not used to having this cloud hanging over home, and having you remind me of that cloud. maybe i want you more than you know but i dont know how to talk to you without crying. maybe i dont know how to talk to you without letting hte resentment and rejection lace my words. maybe i'm afraid that youll make me sad. maybe i'm most afraid that i dont know what i'll do, how i'll react, and most of all that i dont know who i'm talking to.

death be not proud.

so a quick update: last week was spring break and i went to visit my uncle who lives in greenwich (sp?) village in NYC; my super buddy-o from high school, one ms. sara hasselbach aka sar sar aka sarandiferous aka superdedupersara, who goes to school up there. i just love her :) and kristy drove in from boston where she's co-oping to bum around with me. we had good times once she actually found my uncle's apt. it was funny, i dont know what happened by k managed to traverse all of manhattan in search of matt's and almost made her way to new jersey, which would have been awful but hilarious at the same time.

on the flight home, i was hit with a feeling of adultness. a feeling of realization that things are never ever ever going to be the same again -- not that they were all of a sudden going to change, just that they'd been changing over the past year and the force of the finiteness of all of this change just hit me 30,000 feet in the air. i drove myself to the airport. parked dip in the economy lot. was responsible for going to the counter, saying, "i'd like a standby ticket to boston." finding out there were none, i asked if they had any openings on flights to JFK, on a whim (i have keys to my uncle's apartment so i knew i'd have somewhere to go). they did, and so i flew. i've become quite the little adventurer, haven't i? hehe. upon getting to NY, i got to my uncle's apt and found out he was about to go on a date with some lady he met online...he's quite the techno-savvy middle-ager. it's great. so back to my epiphany. sitting all alone on this flight back to atlanta, my co-opted home (i was surprised to hear myself automatically reply, "atlanta" when people on the flight, in the taxi, or in passing would ask me where i was from), thinking about my autonomy and ability to direct my physical path for a week, to go where ever my mind and feet took me. its scary all at the same time though. very very scary. it makes me miss europe a lot. i absolutely loved and adored last summer and would do it a thousand times again if given the chance. i'm so glad i have a different perspective through which i look at the current state of international affairs, one more euro-centric than previously. this morning it was warm enough to wear my comfy brown clark sandals, which i used to pad all over the EU, and i felt this rush of emotion similar to what i felt those first few days in belgium. a rush of happiness, nervousness, apprehension, excitement....ill stop, i'm gushing. it's just getting disgusting here.

when i got back to atl on wednesday, i went to lauwrenceville to see the sprout and hang out with his family, which was lots of fun. it made me happy to see him in a different environment, and to help him feel better and less depressed.

i've had to make one of the biggest decisions since i've been at tech, this week. i originally applied to be editor-in-chief of the technique and turned my 5 page (single spaced, mind you)_dissertation on what i wanted to change/do better/vision/goals for the technique next year, and monday i decided to withdraw from the race. i thought about it every day of spring break and now when people ask me why i withdrew i have trouble coming up with an answer, even though i had soooo many thoughts swirling in my head throughout the week. it mostly came down to selfishness in a sense, and wanting to preserve my mental health. i'm not ready to decrease my involvement in the other things i enjoy here -- including my sisterhood stuff and pcgb -- which i know would be necessary to do everything i wanted for the technique. i also really really want to do the opinions section, almost more than the big job. plus, i love having the reins over an actual section, deciding what goes in it, its layout and stuff, and i know as chief i wouldnt get to do that anymore. i still have another year to apply anyway. i talked to rosemary for a while about it all, and she maybe me finally feel comfortable with the decision i think i had kind of made in the back of my mind all along, by telling me that learning to say no is one of the most important things a person can ever do, and it's so true. when i felt immediate relief as soon as i made the decision, i knew it was the rgiht one. im sure ill regret it at times (i already have), but i just have to remind myself why it's the right one. i told rm how i kind of felt like i was letting the paper down, because i thought i'd be the best at the job (otherwise why would anyone apply for it, unless they think they'd do it best, really?), but i know whoever does it will be fine, and just cause i dont have the title doesnt mean i cant try to share my ideas and get some accomplished, and help out more with the creative processes and stuff. we'll see...im sure ill carve out a new niche for myslef that will make me happy.

we had ls interviews last night and it was a blast, which really surprised me. it was interesting to be on the other side of things and see how different people are and yet how similar answers can be when the person is thinking they're being super unique and such. hum. i think it's given me a new perspective for the next time im interviewed.

now it's time to do a take home test. weehoo.

good night world. i miss you already.